


so... he really is spider man huh…

by gayplums



Series: So, You Got Twitter [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Academic Decathlon Team (Spider-Man: Homecoming) - Freeform, Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Cliffhangers, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Is Gay, Fix-It, Fluff and Crack, Gay, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gen, Group chat, Heavy Angst, Lesbian Michelle Jones, Multi, No Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Pansexual Tony Stark, Parent Tony Stark, Peter is a Little Shit, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Precious Peter Parker, Social Media, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, Trans Steve Rogers, endgame does not exist, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-03-10 04:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 22,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18931270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayplums/pseuds/gayplums
Summary: - ~Group chat~ -fastest man alive Renamed Aca Dec Squad to Spidey Protection Squadpeter-man: whatfastest man alive: yeah(the major character death is for a later chapter)





	1. so... he really is spider man huh…

**Author's Note:**

> sdvfdsxx
> 
> People:  
> -Peter Parker: peter-man @peterparkour  
> -Spider-Man: bider-king* @swingsbothways  
> -Ned Leeds: I’m In @ned.in.the.chair  
> -Michelle Jones: MJ @QueenBitch  
> \- Shuri: Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado  
> -Tony Stark: Iron Dad* @IronSandwich  
> -Pepper Potts: Iron Mom @PPotts  
> -Steve Rogers: Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers  
> -James Rhodes: Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot  
> -Bruce Banner: Uncle Bruce* @greenman  
> -James Barnes: Uncle Bucky @notarobot  
> -Natasha Romanov: Spider Aunt* @queennat  
> -Sam Wilson: Bird Uncle 2 @birdman  
> -Clint Barton: Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird  
> -T’Challa: King T’Challa* @BlackPanther  
> -FRIDAY: FRIDAY @TS_AI  
> -Karen: Karen @spideysAI  
> -Nick Fury: Pirate Uncle* @DFury  
> -Thor: Thunder Uncle* @thundergod  
> -Loki: snake uncle @slitherin  
> -Wanda Maximoff: witch @witchbitch  
> -Vision: Vision @Vision  
> -The Avengers: The Avengers @Avengers  
> -May Parker: May @mayp  
> -Doctor Stephen Strange: Sorcerer Supreme @DocStrange
> 
> AcDec  
> Cindy Moon: Cindy @moonmoon  
> Flash Thompson: fastest man alive @fthompson  
> Betty Brant: rise and shine @bbrant  
> Abe Brown: false! @dingabe  
> Charles Murphy: Bon Jovi @charles  
> Sally Avril: Sal @avrillavigne  
> Roger Harrington: Roger Harrington @mrharrington
> 
> Guardians of the Galaxy:  
> Peter Quill: Star Lord @PQuill  
> Gamora: Gamora @fiercest  
> Rocket: Rocket @notaraccoon  
> Groot: I am Groot @iamgroot  
> Drax: Drax @draxthedestroyer  
> Nebula: Nebula @stabyou
> 
>  
> 
> Loki’s Children:  
> Fenrir: Fen @wolfboi  
> Sleipnir: Horse Boy @sleipnir  
> Jörmungandr: im unoriginal @hisshiss
> 
> News:
> 
> Daily Globe @DailyGlobe
> 
> The Pulse @The_Pulse
> 
> Daily Bugle @DailyBugle
> 
> The Guardian @TheGuardian

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

so... he really is spider man huh…

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@fthompson astute observation, watson

 

\- ~Group chat~ -

**fastest man alive Renamed Aca Dec Squad to Spidey Protection Squad**

 

**peter-man** : what

 

**fastest man alive:**  yeah

 

**I'm In** : god seems to have returned

 

**Cindy** : ned why is your name ‘I'm In’???

 

**I'm In** : i helped peter hack into his suit (which was made by Tony friggen Stark himself) and also became peters ‘Guy in the Chair

 

**rise and shine** : i'm sorry i must have become jared, 19, did you just say you hacked a suit made by Tony Stark??????

 

**I'm In** : yeah

 

**fastest man alive** : i'm

 

**MJ** : only ned would hack a multi-million dollar suit

 

**peter-man** : it's how i got Karen and Droney

 

**Bon Jovi** : who the fuck are karen and droney

 

**peter-man** : my AI and drone

 

**Sal** : woah you have an AI?

 

**peter-man** : yeah shes cool

 

**MJ** : i find it hilarious that flash idolized spider man but bullied peter

and now it's revealed that they are the same person

 

**fastest man alive** : i did not idolize spider-man

 

**false!** : spider man sucks

 

**fastest man alive** : fuck you

and spider-man has a dash in it

 

**peter-man** : i can't fjksnksd breahte njsknxscd

-

 

**Uncle Bucky @notarobot**

i said “i have goldfish” and shuri bounded over like a dog while peter raised his hands and quietly asked if he could have some.

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

i was hungry

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado so was i, and you ate it all

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

there are two types of people.

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i imagine death so much it feels like a memory

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour I have this therapist i can call and instantly get an appointment, do you want to share her?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich mr stark i'm a gen z spider child, i am a gen z child and depression is part of the package that comes with existence when you are in my generation.

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour kid are you okay

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich are any of us

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour kid

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour @spideysAI is he okay???

 

**Karen @spideysAI**

@IronSandwich He is eating a churro and his vitals are normal, I think it is safe to say he is okay.

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@spideysAI Just okay???

 

**Karen @spideysAI**

@IronSandwich He is alive and his mood seems to be ‘pleased’ as he is eating a churro, he told me it tastes good.

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

everyone thinks my ‘alcoholic tendencies’ (despite being sober for 3 years) will be the death of me, but it will actually be the kid.

-

 

**bider king* @swingsbothways**

i have a problem and its about… 7 inches long

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@swingsbothways … Kid, there are many ways to interpret that

 

**bider king* @swingsbothways**

@IronSandwich ive been stabbed [gif of that snowman from Frozen saying “aha I've been impaled”]

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@swingsbothways give me his name and face and i will kill him in the next 2 hours

 

**bider king* @swingsbothways**

@queennat aunt nat no please

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@swingsbothways fine

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@queennat i found the guy, sending him to prison rn

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@IronSandwich good

 

**bider king* @swingsbothways**

@queennat @IronSandwich g u y s

 

-

 

**Sorcerer Supreme @DocStrange**

I finally have a Twitter account, are you happy, @peterparkour?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@DocStrange very!

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour @DocStrange oh god is that the wizard guy

 

**Sorcerer Supreme @DocStrange**

@IronSandwich Oh, God, is that the tin can man that has sex with everything that moves?

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@DocStrange excuse me?!

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

@IronSandwich language

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@Cap.Rogers shut your fuck i heard you swear like a goddamn sailor when you stubbed your toe yesterday

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@DocStrange @IronSandwich mr. stark is happily married i dont think he has sex with everything that moves,,, anymore

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@peterparkour @DocStrange It’s true, at this point he’s practically a stay-at-home dad.

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@PPotts are you pregnant?!

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@peterparkour No, you’re practically his son at this point.

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@PPotts @peterparkour you broke him

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@PPotts thank you for making him realise he is basically his son

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@QueenBitch of course

 

**Sorcerer Supreme @DocStrange**

@PPotts @QueenBitch remove me from this thread my notifications are blowing up

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@DocStrange just mute it magician man


	2. im exposing Eugene “Flash” Thompson as a thirsty hoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter-man @peterparkour
> 
> @bbrant we are not lost
> 
>  
> 
> Roger Harrington @mrharrington
> 
> Fuck i lost the kids i'm so fired
> 
>  
> 
> Sal @avrillavigne
> 
> @peterparkour yes we are???
> 
>  
> 
> I’m In @ned.in.the.chair
> 
> peter just yelled “MR STARK” and tony came flying in his suit
> 
>  
> 
> fastest man alive @fthompson
> 
> @ned.in.the.chair … of course that worked… of course

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im posting another chapter because i posted the last chapter (from the previous book) like two days ago so why the heck not

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@PPotts you said i was basically mr. starks son, is this what the whole adoption thing is about??? are you guys gonna adopt me???

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@peterparkour We actually do have adoption papers for you, would you be okay if we adopt you?

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@PPotts peter is crying why is he crying

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@ned.in.the.chair @PPotts oh, that's why. heck yeah.

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@ned.in.the.chair Why is he crying?

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@PPotts [video of Peter crying while mumbling “Oh my god, they want to adopt me.”]

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@ned.in.the.chair Is he okay?

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@PPotts he will be

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

despite the fact that our teacher asked to not go on another field trip,,, here we are,,, on a bus

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@ned.in.the.chair with me as your chaperone :)

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich yay! :D

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

It's a surprise field trip i didn't want to lead. I hate field trips

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

we’re lost

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@ned.in.the.chair fuck where is iron man

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@fthompson let's just wait in the window booth seat at the mcdonalds

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@bbrant we are not lost

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

Fuck i lost the kids i'm so fired

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

@peterparkour yes we are???

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

peter just yelled “MR STARK” and tony came flying in his suit

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@ned.in.the.chair … of course that worked… of course

 

-

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

peter just came into school wearing a ‘IF LOST RETURN TO IRON MAN’ shirt im- [5 cry-laughing emojis]

 

-

(inspired by the whole #MacDoesItIsOverParty)

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

tony stark just called me a nerd #AvengersAreOverParty

 

-

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

Captain America said my mom was gay #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**sad @gayplums**

hawkeye hit my ankle with a scooter and ran off #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

Black Widow fucked my mom and stole my kidney #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

Bruce Banner said my grandpa was dummy thicc #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**The Avengers @Avengers**

why are we cancelled???? #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@Avengers lmfao its a joke

 

**The Avengers @Avengers**

@moonmoon oh thank heck

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

the avengers stole my kneecaps and said i was a crackhead #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@archerbird paint bombed my lab #AvengersAreOverParty

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@IronSandwich HDJSBSKSBXJSJS

 

**false! @dingabe**

@IronSandwich HE JOINEDDDDS SKSKKSKSKS

 

**mac kahey** @Machaizelli**

@IronSandwich one of us

 

-

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

I leave twitter for an hour, come back, and see this; thus, I have a heart attack because I thought “oh god what did these idiots do now” thinking that some PR apocalypse arrived, but nope...

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@PPotts I’m not gonna lie, I was terrified I thought Thor accidentally killed some kid or something, you know how his hugs are..

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@IronPatriot he almost broke one of my ribs

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@birdman thor could break my back and id thank him

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@ned.in.the.chair what the actual fuck

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@birdman thor could hit me with mjolnir and i would thank him

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

thor could crush my head and id ask him if he wanted anything else

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

im exposing Eugene “Flash” Thompson as a thirsty hoe

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@QueenBitch its true

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@charles first Captain America, then Spider-Man, and now Thor

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@moonmoon … t h e n w h o ?

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@swingsbothways HDKSNXKSNZKSJKAKSKSMSKSMKSKA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!!!!


	3. we are literally in the middle of a mass extinction and it's our fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter-man @peterparkour  
> guys we are literally in the middle of a mass extinction right now i'm-
> 
> Bon Jovi @charles  
> @peterparkour what???
> 
> peter-man @peterparkour  
> @charles yeah, it's called the ‘Holocene extinction’ and “The Holocene extinction is mainly caused by human activity.”
> 
> Cindy @moonmoon  
> @peterparkour there is a correlation between the megafaunal(large animals) extinction and the arrival of humans
> 
> Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado  
> @moonmoon humans suck ultron should have killed us all when he had the chance
> 
> witch @witchbitch  
> @freshurivocado you do realise that means everyone you love would be dead, right?
> 
> Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado  
> @witchbitch is humanity dying really a bad thing?
> 
> I’m In @ned.in.the.chair  
> @freshurivocado no more memes
> 
> Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado  
> @ned.in.the.chair shit
> 
> (this is true, we are literally in the middle of a mass extinction and it's our fault)
> 
> Spider Aunt* @queennat  
> Are we just going to ignore the fact we are in a mass extinction and have been for millenia (which ties in perfectly since humans populations boomed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i just felt the need to tell you guys that we are in a mass exctinction, its terrifying

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

wait @swingsbothways you took on Captain America??? how did you take him down???

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@freshurivocado i shot him in the legs because his shield is the size of a dinner plate and he is an idiot

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@swingsbothways YESSSSS

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

eye- [it's a video of Thor, Steve, Clint and Bucky fighting over who gets the last strawberry poptart]

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@peterparkour i have no respect for anyone but Pepper Potts

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkoue rude

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich who the fuck is you

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@peterparkour what the fuck [video of peter dancing on the ceiling]

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@fthompson what about it

 

**peter-stan @ppstan**

@peterparkour @fthompson DJSBXJS HE REPLIED

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

dude @peterparkour YOU HAVE FANS NOW?!

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair APPARENTLY?!

 

-

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

teaching is hard when you have freaking spider man in your class

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@mrharrington he giving you trouble?

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

@birdman no im just still getting used to the fact that the reason peter leaves early/gets in late is because hes protecting new york

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@mrharrington yeah…

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

@birdman i was worried he was being abused.. but nope, hes just spider man

 

-

 

**false! @dingabe**

i yelled “the floor is lava” and peter jumped on the ceiling why am i not surprised

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@dingabe i know three people who could actually turn the floor into lava, i wasn't going to risk becoming a deep fried arachnid

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@peterparkour HWCDISNJKC DEEP FRIED ARACHNID

  


**Sal @avrillavigne**

“the floor is lava!” [picture of a sheepish peter sticking to the ceiling tiles], [blurry picture of a falling peter still sticking to the now broken tiles], [picture of peter on the floor surrounded by broken ceiling tiles]

 

**false! @dingabe**

@avrillavinge DJKXJKNKJCNWKJNXBC IM WHEEZING

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@dingabe someone swat me and free me from this harsh existence

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i just got mobbed by a bunch of people and i didn't like it, why do people do this? it’s so uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour oh guys cmon he's like 13 show some respect

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich i'm 15 but i agree

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

howdy [picture of peter in his suit with a cowboy hat]

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@swingsbothways [stock image photo of a hand holding a rolled up newspaper]

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@swingsbothways cursed image

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@ned.in.the.chair swat me like a horse, cowboy

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@swingsbothways jdksnjknvjks no

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@ned.in.the.chair @swingsbothways Brokeback Mountain but in new york

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@QueenBitch MJ ICOJKWDNJKNIA

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

what the fuck is he doing [picture of peter in his suit walking on the wall]

 

-

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

[picture of peter in lunch wearing his suit and eating pizza]

 

-

 

**false! @dingabe**

[picture of peter in his suit in gym, he looks to be holding four 50 lb weights]

 

-

**rise and shine @bbrant**

eye- [picture of peter in his suit wearing the AcaDec jacket, they are in practice it seems]

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

yall white boys be weird as fuck

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@freshurivocado [picture of peter in his suit holding up the peace sign and winking]

 

-

 

**witch @witchbitch**

Vision cannot cook, him cooking should be illegal.

 

**Vision @Vision**

@witchbitch i'm sorry

 

**witch @witchbitch**

@Vision you put cheese in a cupcake, it wasn't even good cheese

 

**Vision @Vision**

@witchbitch i was hoping to make cheesecake but as a cupcake

 

**witch @witchbitch**

@Vision i applaud you for trying but it was disgusting

 

**May @mayp**

@witchbitch cheese in a cupcake????

 

**witch @witchbitch**

@mayp he tried

 

**May @mayp**

@witchbitch he did...

  


-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

are we sure yesterday happened

 

**nathan @mrghostboy**

@moonmoon wait what happened yesterday

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@mrghostboy peter went to school in his suit and walked on walls and ceilings and stuff it was really weird and now i'm having an existential crisis

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@moonmoon me going to school in my suit gave you an existential crisis?

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@peterparkour yep

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@moonmoon oop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed :p


	4. bider-king* @swingsbothways : @Cap.Rogers [applaud GIF]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bider-king* @swingsbothways
> 
> do you think my spidey senses include a heightened gaydar because when i first met bucky i was like “a gay” and my assumption was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fbjsnajkjkscjs hope its not too short

**peter-man @peterparkour**

im v proud of myself 

[it's an Avengers as vines video, but, the Avengers act them out:

 

It starts with the Avengers standing in line with kazoos in their mouths, they are kazoo-ing their theme song. It lasts 10 seconds. 

Tony is then shown doing the fortnite dance in the pink and green jacket and glasses.

 

“Hey, do you think you could push the elevator button for me?” Bucky said. “No, Kevin,” the word ‘Bucky*’ appeared over his face for a second, “you fucken weirdo.” Sam threw a water bottle at an armless Bucky Barnes.

 

Tony appeared, screaming, before standing straight as if nothing happened, “No, I’m still sad…” He mumbled.

 

Clint appeared, he had a blond wig on, “You are ugly, I am not; I’m the princess, you’re the thot.” no snap.

 

“I am nuts about these nuts, but I’m also nuts about my close good friends.” Tony sat back, Rhodey, Pepper, Peter, Happy, and May sat next to him. Tony's disembodied voice spoke, “My close good friends.” As the words ‘my close good friends’ faded in in cursive.

 

“You being annoying, try ‘Out of My life’, works great on siblings, and teachers. Get out of my life!” Shuri yelled.

 

Sneeze. “Hey sneezy, need a tissue?” Sam said. Bucky turned around in the chair, “Please don’t call me that.” “Sorry, Sneezy.” Sam mocked. A snickering was heard behind the camera as the vine ended. 

 

“Hey loser!” Shuri started, “Say ‘kid’ backwards.” Peter appeared, “Dik?” “Hahahaha, that’s gay, hehehe.”

 

“Hi, I’m sorry, I was too busy mmm blockin’ out the haters.” Pepper said with spoons over her eyes.

 

Mantis screamed, and Drax - who was sitting in a chair, farted. The pair bursted out laughing.

 

Scott appeared on screen and outside, there were people walking around doing their own thing. “Hey, how much you pay for that taco?” Steve asked, Scott smirked, “Ay, y’know this boy got his free taco-“ Scott tripped on a skateboard and dropped the poor taco, in tiny text, ‘RIP Taco 2019-2019’ popped up over the mess. 

 

“Do you know what’s in those? If you eat enough of those it can kill you.” Pepper said, “Really?” Tony asked. “Yeah-“ Tony poured the whole box of cereal in the bowl in a big mess. 

 

A baby doll was shown in a crib, shitty-flute Wake Me Up started playing. Peter, Ned, and Shuri were shown violently rocking the crib.

 

Nebula was shown on a rollercoaster, she looked like she wasn’t having a good time.

 

“So I am confusion,” Thor said, a slightly shaky map of America on a bright computer screen was barely visible. “Why is this one Kansas, but this one is not Ar-Kansas. America explain! What do you mean Arkansas?!” Thor rapidly poked at the screen, knocking it over, you could hear a quiet “oh no-“ before the vine ended. 

 

“Go.” Tony said, Peter fell face-flat in a pile of white pillows which with meme-knowledge ou could assume was supposed to be snow. “Hop on.” Peter fell again. Tony said something and Peter fell again, Peter cried out, but it sounded vaguely like a laugh. The phone turned over and Tony’s smiling face was shown, “You’re the best!” The song played. ‘#1 Dad’

 

“Hey, Baby, I got some flowers for you.” Peter Quill said, handing Gamora flowers. She took it, then chucked it in the trash when Quill went in for a kiss.

 

“Alright, Abby, you almost ready?” Rhodey said, the correction of ‘Tony*’ appearing over his face for the second he said ‘Abby’. “Hold on, now, a girls gotta take her time gettin’ pretty. You think all this was an accident?” The screen moved over and Steve, with a mask of Howard Stark was shown sitting on the couch, “Yes, yes you were.”

 

Clint was shown doing the paperbag ‘What I Want’ vine.

 

“So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my tiddies-“ Steve said, Bucky burst out laughing and was shown rolling on the floor wheezing.

 

“I feel like a dangerous woman.” The song started, Natasha was shown in a Target with a plastic gun not subtly looking like a spy. (you know that vine?) 

 

“Hey! What’s it like to be tall?” Tony asked, the phone moved up and Steve, Thor, and Stephen were shown, reaching their hands out and saying, “We’ll show you.” Tony was then shown high up and looking down at New York.

 

“I thought you were bae,” Steve started, “Turns out you’re just fam.” “Bruh.” Tony said, reaching out dramatically. Steve did a sign and walked out.]

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

peter really did THAT [Ned quoted Peters video]

 

-

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

before we knew peter was friggen spiderman, him flaking so much was the greatest mysteries of the world

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

@charles lmfao 

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@avrillavigne i gave peter shit because he was out there saving people… 

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

hey there demons [its a video of a library, the camera is still and the audio - its quiet - suddenly, a 15 year old kids drops in from the ceiling, the sound of his landing bass boosted. the video pauses for not even a second, Peter paused in a landing position, the video is also deep fried and his eyes are glowing. Peter stand up and does a superhero pose - with the camera zooming in on his legs and then his face, “what’s up its me ya boi.” he jumps towards the camera and the video ends.]

 

-

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

Rhodey looks like that older brother that was forced to take care of his younger brother and is already exhausted

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@birdman yeah that sums it up

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@IronPatriot mom said it's my turn on the xbox

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@IronSandwich JKDNJDKNXJJKSXNJDAK

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

I find it utterly hilarious that Hollywood Joke himself, Donald Trump, ran for president.

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

@IronSandwich if he became president i would become Captain Captain because I didn't basically die for America only for someone as idiotic as him to become president.

 

-

  
  


**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

Someone said i'm homophobic and racist so I say this, [picture of him kissing Sam Wilson]

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@Cap.Rogers arent you with bucky

 

**Uncle Bucky @notarobot**

@IronSanwich he asked first if he could do that, i of course agreed because if kissing another man meant taking down some racist cuck, go for it.

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@Cap.Rogers [applaud GIF]

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

hey @IronSandwich why does peters suit have an ‘Instant Kill mode’?

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@ned.in.the.chair his suit has a what

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@ned.in.the.chair i'm pretty sure i was running on coffee and that burst of energy you get when you're sleep deprived

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@IronSandwich ohhhh that makes sense

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@swingsbothways sadly it does

 

-

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

dum-e made me a smoothie but for some reason i didn't have a brain so i drank it and now i'm dying

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@greenman yeah you shouldnt drink his smoothies

 

**false! @dingabe**

@peterparkour why shouldnt you drink his smoothies?

also whos dum-e

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@dingabe he's a bot and his smoothies always have motor oil and/or nails

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@peterparkour the smoothe had both if the nails i saw after i dropped it were any indication

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@greenman oof

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

do you think my spidey senses include a heightened gaydar because when i first met bucky i was like “a gay” and my assumption was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really like reading the comments, they honestly make me so happy, especially if i feel like absolute shit so please comment if you enjoyed this because this day sucks (school, i hate it)
> 
> i hope you all have a good day, i really do  
> uwu <3


	5. Dum-E makes a scandalised beep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daily Globe @DailyGlobe
> 
> Where does Tony Stark Keep Finding these Kids? [a picture of Harley and Peter]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its the month of that gays (i am in school wearing a pride flag like a cape and a flower crown)

**peter-man @peterparkour**

GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYG

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

oh my god we are so expelled [it's a video of MJ singing, then there is a fizzing noise in the background. The camera pans to the left and we can see a panicking Peter, suddenly, the beaker explodes and you can hear screams. Then laughter over the screams. “WHAT THE FUCK-” you can hear the teacher yell.]

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

we arent expelled!!! [picture of Peter, Ned, and MJ raising their hands high in joyous victory.]

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

hey @peterparkour why did the beaker explode???

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@moonmoon i was bored

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@peterparkour eye-

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

daily reminder that i found tony stark in my shed

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

daily reminder that i saved tony starks life

 

-

 

\- ~Group chat~ -

**Spidey Protection Squad**

 

**fastest man alive** : i was scrolling through the tony stark tags as you do and [picture of @potatogun’s tweets]

 

**rise and shine** : i

 

**Bon Jovi** : [reaction image]

 

**I’m In** : probably just someone looking for attention

 

**Peter-man** : i mean mr stark did once mention showing up in some kids shed

 

**fastest man alive** : JCDKNJKANKJ????

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@potatogun who the fuck is you

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@peterparkour the OG science child

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich @potatogun confirm?

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour @potatogun harley????

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@IronSandwich we’re connected

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@potatogun CBJDHJDKXNKJDWKJSNJK

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@potatogun i'll give you a free plane ride to and from new york if you want, fucken ten star hotel if you don't want to stay at the tower

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@IronSandwich sure 

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

its ya boi [picture of harley doing a pose outside the stark tower]

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

[boomerang of harley spinning in the elevator]

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

mr old man [picture of an emotional tony smiling at the camera]

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@potatogun SHUT UP CJKNKJSNCJKDAD

 

-

 

**Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

Where does Tony Stark Keep Finding these Kids? [a picture of Harley and Peter]

 

-

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@IronSandwich are there any other kids we need to know about?

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@greenman i don't think so

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

@IronSanwich so we’re not gonna wake up and find out about 5 other children?

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@Cap.Rogers no?

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@IronSandwich i can babysit 

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@archerbird i don't trust you with a pet rock

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@IronSandwich i can be a great babysitter!

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@archerbird then you'll have to prove it

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@IronSandwich 2015

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@archerbird oh my god i forgot

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@IronSandwich what happened in 2015?

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@IronPatriot extremely classified and none of your business

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@archerbird ok ok [i came here for a good time and now i'm feeling really attacked right now]

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

crackhead [video of Charles laughing hysterically while the other AcaDec teammates try to get him to calm down.]

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

broken white boy [picture of a tired Tony drinking coffee, Peter is in the background playing fetch with the bots.]

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@freshurivocado coffee

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@freshurivocado wait what is peter doing in the background

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich stealing your bots

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich [video of Dum-E making happy whirring and beeping noises. Butterfingers comes in and pokes him, Dum-E makes a scandalised beep.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked! :) have a good gay!


	6. “Oh god.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter-man @peterparkour
> 
> @ned.in.the.chair [picture: it's a shitty meme drawing of Captain America with a poorly drawn Dr. Phil face instead of Steve Rogers]
> 
>  
> 
> I’m In @ned.in.the.chair
> 
> @peterparkour peter what in the ever loving fuck is that eldritch abomination
> 
>  
> 
> -
> 
> idk what happened imma be honest

**MJ @QueenBitch**

we were bored [it's a video of MJ, Peter, and Ned in her bedroom, they are screaming Billie Eilish’s ‘all the good girls go to hell’ song]

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

i- @swingsbothways [picture of spideys tumblr]

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@fthompson [GIF:and what about it?]

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@swingsbothways why do you have a tumblr?

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@bbrant i think the question we should be asking is “why didn't i have one sooner?”

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

disaster duo [picture of an upside down Peter and a grinning Harley]

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@potatogun oh god oh fuck

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@IronSandwich [picture: Peter and Harley are in front of 4 on-fire beakers, they are grinning like mad scientists]

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@greenman yknow that isn't too bad,,,, i wanna join

 

-

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

[picture: Tony is holding a ball of fire (emoji: ‘???’), he looks to be explaining it from the way his free hand is positioned and the teacher-like expression on his face. Peter and Harley have a look of awe on their face as they watch Tony.]

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

[video: “Now…” Tony put down the ball of fire, “Back up.” Peter and Harley do. Tony grabs a dropper, sucks up some fluid and drops a droplet into the flaming ball, and it explodes. Peter and Harley scream as Tony laughs.]

 

disclaimer: i am not a scientist, i'm just using my weird-ass imagination for this. 

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

lame [reblog: @greenman’s recent tweet]

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado it was not lame it was really cool, i only lost my eyebrows

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@peterparkour lmao did you really?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado thankfully no, but i now have darkened tips [picture: peters singed hair]

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@peterparkour oof

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@peterparkour i could make a vibranium suit

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado thjsfdnksjxjkc that sounds so cool but i'm sentimental 

 

-

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

Take us to your leader

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@PQuill [picture: Tony Stark]

 

**Gamora @fiercest**

@peterparkour that's your leader?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@fiercest yeah

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

@peterparkour he doesn't look like a leader

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@PQuill the raccoon doesn't look like one either but he is

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

@peterparkour i'm the leader!!!

 

**Rocket @notaraccoon**

@PQuill are you sure about that?

 

-

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

When mistakes that i'm involved in happen, the first thing i do is ask myself if what happened was Clint’s fault.

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@queennat what if it's not?

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@birdman I’ll make Clint make a bigger mistake to hide the first one.

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

[video: Thor is sitting on a chair, he looks sad. Across from him is Loki, his arms are crossed and right leg is thrown over his left; his face is scrunched in a ‘bitch face’. Thor looks up at Loki with puppy dog eyes, Loki, who has been staring at him stressfully for the past who-knows-how long immediately says, “No.” Thor somehow looks sadder. “But. Hammer-” “Shut up, Thor. No one gives a shit about your dumb hammer.”]

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

Ned: are you sure about this?

Peter: of course i am *he lied*

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

>:3 

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour ???

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair [picture: it's a shitty meme drawing of Captain America with a poorly drawn Dr. Phil face instead of Steve Rogers]

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour peter what in the ever loving fuck is that eldritch abomination 

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair Captain Phil

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour [reaction image, “sometimes twitter just makes me want to fucking kill myself”]

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair mood

-

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

CUIDHJXKNJK SPO THERES THIS NEW KID IDK WHO AND HE WALKED INTO CLASS LATE LOOKED AT THE TEACHER ALL DEAD INSIDE WHICH WAS A MCMOOD AND THEN S T A P L E D  H I S H A N D AND SAID “oh no, i have an injury, im going to the nurse.” AND LEFT 

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

Schools making kids recite “The Pledge of Allegiance” everyday is brainwashing them. Kids should be allowed to not do that without punishment or reprimand. Or just,,, don't make them recite the same thing everyday?

 

-

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

We’re gonna fuck shit up ;) [picture of Natasha, MJ, and Pepper looking at the camera with a cocky/smug smile]

 

-

 

**Dsad @dsfdf**

Oh my god  [a blurry and shaky video, taken in the night but the bright, rapid flashes of blue and red illuminate a scene. Peter, in his Spider-Man suit, is on the ground and unresponsive to peoples yells. A few police officers move the crowd back with yells and waves of their hands. In the background, slowly rising in volume and over taking the yells and screams of the crowd and the whining of the police cars, a loud whine could be heard. The camera moves and the Iron Man suit could be seen approaching. Cheers. Iron Man lands unbalanced and lacking the finesse he usually has in battles and such. “Peter-” A choked animatronic voice gasped. The suit opened and a rumpled and distressed Tony Stark fell out. He reached out with shaky hands towards the unresponsive boy. The video ends]

 

-

 

Tony fell out of his suit, terrified. In front of him, body illuminated by the annoying flashes of the police sirens, punctuating the suits red and blue colours, the blue making the blood covering the boy grossly visible. “Oh my god, Pete…” The suit was torn. From what he gathered on his way, a colleague of Adrian Toomes - ‘The Vulture’ - came in a weird robotic Scorpion suit, complete with the tail of one, he feels it's safe to assume that's where the tears and… 

 

“Oh god.” 

 

“FRIDAY, vitals?” “Severe lacerations all over his body, major blood-loss, multiple fractures and breaks in his bones, specifically in his ribs and legs.”

 

Tony gets back in his suit and immediately picks up the teen and flies to the tower.

 

-

 

**The Guardian @TheGuardian**

Is Queens’ Spider-Man Dead? [video of spiderman bleeding out]  


 

-

When Tony got to the tower and into its med bay, they took off his suit. Peters face was beaten, skin discoloured and swollen and split in some areas, the blood smudged from his mask making his face look worse. His chest was a dark blue and green. His lungs were threatening to collapse. His left arm was obviously broken, one of the bones threatening to break through his skin. Tony collapsed on the floor. 

What happened to him? What happened to his boy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what happened


	7. THAT ONLY MAKES THIS 12% BETTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did the suit have an arc reactor?”
> 
>  
> 
> “I don't know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love to do angst but irl i fix all my problems with humour so its hard to write

When Tony got to the tower and into its med bay, they took off his suit. Peters face was beaten, skin discoloured and swollen and split in some areas, the blood smudged from his mask making his face look worse. His chest was a dark blue and green. His lungs were threatening to collapse. His left arm was obviously broken, one of the bones threatening to break through his skin. Tony collapsed on the floor.

 

What happened to him? What happened to his boy?

 

-

 

Tony sat on a chair next to Peter’s hospital bed. ‘Hospital bed’. He now hates hospitals more than he used to. Peter was on the bed, face bruised and swollen, body covered in large cuts, internal bleeding, and bruises inside and out, he looked horrible and looked like he felt worse. Tony would give anything to switch their positions. The door was knocked on, but before the second knock could turn to three it was slammed open and May ran in, “Peter!”

 

May ran over to Peter, looking anxious, and that was the tipping point, Tony let out a sob, then a choked one as he tried to stop the emotion overload. He felt like a water balloon, keep filling it with water and then it would eventually pop. “Peter…” May sobbed with him. May ran her hand from the bruised boys forehead to his chin, letting out sobs when her fingers catch on scabs and scarring cuts. The woman took in the injured body of her nephew, the breaks and bruises, scars and scabs, fractures and friction burns. “What happened to my boy?” She looked at him with horror.

 

“I-I think one of Adrian Toomes buddies got to him.” Tony said, a hint of malice in his tone, but it mostly just came out broken and sad. Like him. He internally chuckled at that.

 

“Boss, if I may; If Mr. Parker continues healing at the rate he is…” The sound of FRIDAY’s voice became a blur as he stared at Peter.

 

-

 

Five days - would have been a month if not for his healing - Peter woke up.

 

Peter shifted in his bed, eyes screwing up at the brightness of the room. He hears a muffled voice and the lights shut off. He opened his eyes a bit to test it, it was fine. He opened his eyes and blinked. The weird tiles every non-house-slash-apartment building has are above him, so he is obviously not home, or school, the nurses office doesn't have beds like the one he is currently in. Beep. Beep. Beep. Hospital? He turns his head and sees his aunt, then the annoying machine. “May?”

 

May grins in relief, and carefully hugs him. “I'm not delicate.” He protests to her careful handling.

 

“Oh yeah? Then why are you in the hospital.” Tony is here? He whips his head around and groans in regret, that hurt. “Da- To- uh, Anthony.” He says awkwardly. The room is silent except for the annoying machine and its stupid beeping.

 

“Okay… Don't ever call me Anthony, ever.” “Sure thing, Anthon-”

 

“Spider Baby.”

 

“Okay okay. Fine.”

 

Tony sighed. “What happened out there?” Peters small smile is gone, and he took on a blank look that terrified Tony. “Kid?” He pushes. Peter looks away.

 

“Uh-, Toomes’ friend, this guy that looked like a scorpion, lets just call him that, Scorpion, found me, knew who I was, knew my friends! He, he found me while I was in the middle of helping this lady get away from these men, the Scorpion dude attacked me. He had a stinger and attacked me with it. He had these, things, like scorpion legs on his suit - which looked like what would happen if a  shitty rendition of the Iron Man suit and a scorpion had a baby.”

 

“Did the suit have an arc reactor?” Tony asked, ignoring the need to remind the boy that everyone knew who he was.

 

“I don't know.”

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i lived bitch [Photo: Peter doing the peace sign with his tongue out.

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

What have we learned today kids? well, take down one enemy, multiple arise in the process. Like a hydra monster.

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@peterparkour my only enemies used to be bank robbers and thieves. i found the vulture, fought him, and won. and now his associates are after me in revenge.

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@peterparkour when you can do what i do, and you use it, for good or for bad, you are bound to make enemies with people who believe - or do - the opposite.

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

@peterparkour why did you become spiderman? You didn't have to take on this responsibility.

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@avrillavigne when you can do what i do, and you don't, the bad things happen, and they happen ‘cause of you.

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@peterparkour deep

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@fthompson sometimes i wish i didnt do this, it's hard, it's painful, and just… but if i don't do it, people i could have helped would get hurt. if you have the opportunity to do good, it's your responsibility to do it.

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

i don't think i’d be able to do what you do, what with all the responsibility and guilt i have no doubt comes with the job...

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

oh yeah and i learned that the whole adoption thing isnt just a joke, the papers actually exist

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

The Avengers and Spider-Man are fighting some witch and the first thing Peter asked the witch was “hey what's your skincare routine?” and the witch just answered “The blood of my victims.” and I don't know what to do.

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

lmfao [(if you have twitter you might have seen this video, it's of RDJ posing for photos for an Off-Camera interview) video: Tony Stark posing for photos, the last pose being the Iron Man one. The video was in black and white]

 

-

 

**Ab @abbe**

Are we just going to ignore what happened in New York, Sokovia, Lagos, and literally every other place the Avengers fought in?

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

@abbe No, we won't, because we haven't. When we fight there we help clean up.

 

**Ab @abbe**

@Cap.Rogers No you don't! There are videos of you leaving after the fight!!

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@abbe we leave after that to take a break, but then we come back to help clean (unless we are mortally wounded, which happens when you fight aliens/robots/monsters)

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@abbe I have multiple charities to help the people and families injured after the fight, I have teams that help clean. I have places made for the families that might need a house, food, water, and basic hygiene because buildings sometimes get destroyed where and when we fight.

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@abbe even the hulk helps clean, picking up rubble and stuff..

 

-

 

 **Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
I am confusion [picture: Loki is a snake and is sitting across Tony’s shoulders like a scarf.]

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@thundergod we’ll explain it to you when you're older.

 

 **Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@IronSandwich i'm 23 in midgardian years

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@thundergod wait then how old is loki???

 

 **Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@IronSandwich i think he is 16….

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@thundergod i'm sorry he is what?

 

 **Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@peterparkour 16, he is my little brother

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@thundergod YEAH I GET THAT NED IS LIKE MY LITTLE BROTHER AND HE IS ONLY A FEW MONTHS YOUNGER THAN ME

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@thundergod oh my god loki is almost my age in midgardian years

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

What happened to him? [picture: Tony is behind a science table, he is nearly slumped over it, his left hand holding up his face, his right hand holding his phone loosley, and he looks like he found out something really upsetting, has a face that says “are you fucking kidding me?” in a sad way. Loki is still on his shoulders as a snake.]

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@greenman loki is apparently 16?

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@IronPatriot ...

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

You too? [picture: Bruce is leaning back against a chair, looking like he had a revelation and was very disappointed and displeased. And shocked of course.]

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

WAIT LOKI IS 16 AND HE HAS KIDS

LIKE FOUR OR SOMETHING

 

**Fen @wolfboi**

@peterparkour there are three of us

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@wolfboi THAT ONLY MAKES THIS 12% BETTER

  



	8. my ‘spidey-sense’ is just anxiety on steroids and LSD and it fucking sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m In @ned.in.the.chair
> 
> #spidermanhatespencils [video: Ned and Peter are sitting in Peters bedroom, Peter is building some LEGOs, Ned holds a pencil into view, and throws it at Peter. Peter shrieks, and jumps onto the ceiling. Breathing heavily, he asks, “Wh-what?” Ned is shouting in laughter, and he falls over, the camera falling with him. May bursts into the room with a pan, “What happened?!” Ned laughs some more, and the camera moves, and Peters guilty, scared, and humiliated face is shown.]
> 
>  
> 
> I’m In @ned.in.the.chair
> 
> @ned.in.the.chair this blew up [reaction image: we need the audience to follow the account]

**MJ @QueenBitch**

Oh sure, queen elizabeth never married because she was “afraid he would take her power” queen elizabeth is a lesbian queen

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

my ‘spidey-sense’ is just anxiety on steroids and LSD and it fucking sucks

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@swingsbothways i dropped a pencil

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@fthompson that's what happened???

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@ned.in.the.chair one second he dropped a pencil and the next i was on the ceiling shaking like a leaf

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@swingsbothways the teacher screamed in fear it was hilarious

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@charles it was not hilarious it was terrifying and humiliating 

 

**false! @dingabe**

@swingsbothways #spidermanhatespencils

 

-

 

Trending:

 

  1. Steve Rogers
  2. Spider-Man pencils
  3. #spidermanhatespencils
  4. National Cheese Day
  5. #ReasonsWhitePeopleLoveCheese



 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

Why…?

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

#spidermanhatespencils [video: Ned and Peter are sitting in Peters bedroom, Peter is building some LEGOs, Ned holds a pencil into view, and throws it at Peter. Peter shrieks, and jumps onto the ceiling. Breathing heavily, he asks, “Wh-what?” Ned is shouting in laughter, and he falls over, the camera falling with him. May bursts into the room with a pan, “What happened?!” Ned laughs some more, and the camera moves, and Peters guilty, scared, and humiliated face is shown.]

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@ned.in.the.chair this blew up [reaction image: we need the audience to follow the account]

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

please stop throwing pencils at me, my steroid-LSD-anxiety can't take it

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

[video: MJ is holding a bucket of pencils. She dumps them on Peters head]

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@QueenBitch please stop penciling me

 

-

 

**Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

After revealing that he doesn't like pencils, Queens’ Spider-Man and his friends have started a new trend called ‘Penciling’ where you throw a pencil at someone. [news story: Penciling, a New Trend]

 

-

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

Meme Queen Lightning McQueen [video: Betty is recording a video, she walks up to Peter who is studying. As if sensing her, he looks up at her “If you pencil me I will web you to this floor, I swear to Thor.” “No-No never! Uh, how do you feel about being a meme?” Peter sighs, “People keep throwing pencils at me, after the second day I just started taking them, I have a box full of pencils. Might donate them to a charity or something.” Betty ‘aww’s and the video ends.]

 

**owen @owlen**

@bbrant he could have just thrown the pencils out, but nope, he's gonna donate them to charity. we stan a wholesome boi

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i regret to inform you all that flies are now a threat to national security

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peteparkour why??? 

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair that fly is planning murder [picture: a zoomed-up photo of a fly in Peters room, the fly is circled in red]

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peteparkour that fly is literally across the room how did you notice that

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair spidey-senses

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@peterparkour what are your spidey-senses?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@bbrant enhanced anxiety, aka anxiety on steroids and lsd.

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@peterparkour oof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bam wham sham-a-lam


	9. im rebranding to Cockroach-Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter swung through the city, despite it being only a week or two since the incident with the Scorpion he is still on edge. He landed on a billboard, looking down at the passing traffic, when his Spidey-Senses spiked. He froze, quickly assessed the situation. Not a projectile. Not a petty thief or bank robber. More-so like the spikes the Vulture gave him. He jumped up and turned around, only to be flung off the billboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what im doing

**peter-man @peterparkour**

Me: happy :)

Dysphoria:

Me: :( [picture: a close-up of Peters face, but angled to show his chin and nostrils. Peter is looking ahead, above the camera which was probably held just inches below his chin, he is also smiling, though his eyes look like they are holding a lot of pain and are screaming.]

 

-

 

Peter swung through the city, despite it being only a week or two since the incident with the Scorpion he is still on edge. He landed on a billboard, looking down at the passing traffic, when his Spidey-Senses spiked. He froze, quickly assessed the situation. Not a projectile. Not a petty thief or bank robber. More-so like the spikes the Vulture gave him. He jumped up and turned around, only to be flung off the billboard.

 

He screamed, flailing his arms wildly. He got a good shot and pressed the button to release the web. Please don’t be jammed. Please don’t be jammed. The white sticky fluid shot out in a line and attached to the billboard. He let out a whoop as he swung back onto the billboard. He got a look at his attacker, it was that sly scorpion, the Scorpion. The man was in a crouch, its… Claws? They are like scorpion legs, they help balance him, if the clawed-boots similar to the Vultures were not enough. They can also stab someone, Peter learned.

 

“Peter, I will alert Mr. Stark.” Karen, his trusty AI, declared. Peter opened his mouth to protest but the Scorpion jumped to him. The stinger swiped at him, as did the knife-gauntlets that were probably inspired by the ones in Assassin's Creed stabbed at him.

 

“Peter Parker.” The Scorpion greeted, voice full of sick malice. Peter froze, then remembered that everyone knew who he was. “You knowing who I am isn't that big of a deal anymore, buddy.”

 

“I was prison buddies with good ol’ Toomes. Then I escaped. Guess who I escaped with?” Peter froze, when he read books that said a characters blood froze, he thought it was just a thing of fiction. He shivered, the terror shooting a blast of cold through his veins. His Spidey-Senses screamed, he doubled over, then jumped. A large claw implanted itself where he was, specifically where his head was. Holy shit.

 

“Hey, Petey!” Toomes voice greeted happily.

 

“Mr. Stark has been alerted.”

 

Peter latches a web onto a building and tugs. Swinging away from the men. He needs to get away, his Spidey-Senses tell him.

 

“Captain Rogers has been alerted.”

 

The Scorpion follows him, jumping on rooftops. He shouts as something barrels into him. The Scorpion claws hold him. Hands grabbing his shoulders. He needs to get away.

 

“Colonel Rhodes has been alerted.”  


A stinger drags itself down his abdomen. He jumps away, only to be grabbed by two talons. His head hurts. The talons dig into his shoulders. He has a slight feeling he bit off more than he could chew. The claws push down, the wings raising.

 

“Agent Romanoff has been alerted.”

 

Can the voice please be quiet. He is dragged into the air. Flashbacks of being dropped into a lake come to his mind. He struggles, the talons digging deeper. He whimpers. He is released, luckily he wasn't that high in the air, but he still breaks a few ribs. The Vulture turns him over with a flick and the Scorpion's stinger lodges itself in his shoulder. He screams.

 

“Dr. Banner has been alerted.”

 

The Vulture grabs him again and he is pulled into the air again, higher than before. He is dropped. Fuck. He flails in the air, then shoots a web at a tall building, he tugs and swings. His shoulders and side protest loudly, the pain distracts him and he lands roughly on a rooftop. The Scorpion runs to him, only to be knocked off as a shield hits him. Captain America drops onto the roof. Hope swells in him. The Vulture flies to him, but Iron Man shoots him away with a repulsor blast.

 

The Scorpion crawls back up onto the roof, knife-gauntlets extended. A Quinjet lowers, not yet landing on the roof. He sits up, and Tony, in his suit, lands in front of him, gauntlets aimed at both villains. “Fuck, it’s the Avengers.”

 

“Yeah, it is.” Tony says, voice hard and cold, his stance in front of Peter hardens, protective. Steve walks over, and stands next to Tony.

 

The Black Widow drops out of the Quinjet, walking towards the two villains, stopping next to Steve, Peter can hear and see the electricity of her Widow Bites. War Machine shows up, hovering behind the two villains, two guns aimed at both of them. “You are under arrest.”

 

The Vulture growls, and flies to Rhodey, one of the wings aiming to hit him. Steve throws his shield and it gets stuck in the metal, the Vulture falls, exclaiming in shock. Tony flies down and grabs him, then throws him onto the roof. The Scorpion runs to the man and his tail-thing raises, then shoots down and... Barely makes a dent. Tony turns around and shoots him in the face with a repulsor blast, the Scorpion falls down unconscious.

 

-

 

Peter is back in a hospital, not in a coma this time, “Probably because I've created an immunity to the Scorpion, like a disease.” He had said.

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

im rebranding to Cockroach-Man [picture: poorly photoshopped picture of Peter, in his suit, with a cockroach head on his face]

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

spider-man deals with so much shit when patrolling and still comes back out at night to save us…

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

i saved a woman yesterday, if i hadnt, who knows what mightve happened to her? i stopped a car crash from happening, if i hadnt, that man would have spent his sons birthday in the hospital.

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@swingsbothways despite crashing my car, you also saved a plane full of incredibly valuable stuff

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@fthompson sorry for your car

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@swingsbothways i get to tell people Spider-Man crashed my car

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@fthompson i dont think its anything special???

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@swingsbothways rt this if you want Spider-Man to crash your car

    15.7k Retweets    36.3k Likes

 

-

 

**Daily Bugle @DailyBugle**

If the Avengers Have to Save Spider-Man, How Can We Be Sure He Can Protect Us? [Picture: the Avengers saving Peter from the Scorpion and the Vulture.]

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@DailyBugle maybe the reason he needed help was because, not only was he badly injured (he looked horrible when he came to school) but there were two bad guys in big metal suits


	10. k listen spider-man (with a hyphen) is cool alright?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bider-king* @swingsbothways
> 
> pigeons are a danger to the people of the united states of america
> 
>  
> 
> alex @xlxx
> 
> wtf [photo: Peter, in his suit, running after a pigeon who is holding his mask in its beak.]
> 
>  
> 
> bider-king* @swingsbothways
> 
> @xlxx ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been like 4 days, should i apologize for being two days late, cuz its better than being 4 weeks late

**group chat :)))))**

 

**Sal:** Flash Thompson would definitely let Spider-Man raw him, because even before knowing who Spider-Man, he was in love with him; he was always talking about him and if you look at who he follows on Tumblr, most of them were Spider-Man fan accounts, in this essay I will

 

**I’m In:** im hruejhdjejdnsjd

 

**peter-man:** spider man fan accounts???

 

**fastest man alive:** k listen spider-man (with a hyphen) is cool alright?

 

**MJ:** oh yeah? how?

 

**fastest man alive:** he can shoot webs and swing through the city. he is incredibly strong. and funny

 

**peter-man:** you think im funny?

 

**fastest man alive:** fuck you

 

-

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

okay are we just gonna forget the time groot said “we are groot” cuz as emotional as it was all he says is “i am groot”

 

**I am Groot @iamgroot**

@PQuill i we are am groot

 

**Rocket @notaraccoon**

@iagroot @PQuill HAH GET HIM KID

 

**Gamora @fiercest**

@iamgroot LANGUAGE, geez...

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

@fiercest @notaraccoon wait what did he say???

 

**Rocket @notaraccoon**

@PQuill i aint no snitch

 

**Nebula @stabyou**

@PQuill ‘suck my sappy ass you grandpa’

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

@iamgroot GROOT

 

**I am Groot @iamgroot**

@PQuill i am groot

 

**Star Lord @PQuill**

@iamgroot no phone for three months

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

one day you'll be as bad at the internet as your parents were

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour teachers used to say that we wont have a calculator everywhere we go, well, we do

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@ned.in.the.chair we all die, you either kill yourself or get killed

 

-

 

**witch @witchbitch**

i killed god

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

remember that time peter stared at liz during lunch, and then every time after that?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch im jared, 19

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@QueenBitch ooo spiderbutt had a crush?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado no i did not, why do you ask?

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@freshurivocado his crushes dad was also apparently the vulture

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@charles o h  b o y

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado i dont feel love

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@peterparkour oh you poor broken white boy

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour peter

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour peter youre late for class

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair zzzz

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour peter

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour peter

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

off to class! :)

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

pigeons are a danger to the people of the united states of america

 

**alex @xlxx**

wtf [photo: Peter, in his suit, running after a pigeon who is holding his mask in its beak.]

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@xlxx ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE

 

-

 

**false! @dingabe**

hey @fthompson how was your date with the black widow

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@dingabe shut your bubblegum dumb dumb lookin ass the fuck up

 

**false! @dingabe**

@peterparkour send this to the black widow

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@dingabe @fthompson his date with who?

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@queennat can you go with me to prom?

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@fthompson no

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@fthompson @queennat oof

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

t’challa is a furry

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

master chef [video: Peter seems to be making pancakes. He turns to the camera with an excited expression on his face, “I am a master chef.” He full-body-turns to the camera, the pan in a perfect position to show the gold pancakes. He makes a move to flip the pancakes… but the pan falls, does a flip… and lands face-down. Peter looks incredibly discouraged and sad. Clint can be seen in the vents watching.]

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

i can be a good chef [video: it seems to be taken after the first pancake disaster. Tony runs in, confused and worried, “What the he— heck was that?” Peter looks at Tony with puppy eyes, “I just wanted to make pancakes.” there is silence as Tony looks at the pan.]

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

tony: are you okay?

me: *licking the inside of my 7th cup of coffee* yeah why?

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@peterparkour you arent allowed to have coffee

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@archerbird then why am i licking the inside of this cup?

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@peterparkour because youre a brat

 

**Uncle Bucky @notarobot**

i didnt sign up for this shit [two pictures:

one. peter is on the ceiling licking the inside of his coffee cup, as he said. he is staring at the phone bucky is holding.

two. its blurry but you can tell that its peter lunging for the camera.]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuejd i really hope you liked this  
> btw i love your comments they make me v happy because i love knowing that people love this story
> 
> also btw its my birthday in two days (June 23)!!!!!


	11. OKAY SOIFOUND THIS ABANDONED BUILDING AND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daily Globe @DailyGlobe
> 
> Maybe Spider-Man isn’t so Bad Daily Bugel... [picture: Peter, in his full suit, with the crop-top and the trans pride flag]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h o p e y o u l i k e t h i s
> 
> also i had a fun birthday :)

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

pride parade pride parade pride parade pride parade

 

-

 

**Nat @lesbianat**

yo holy shit [Picture: its Peter in his suit, with a trans flag tied around his neck like a cape, he is also wearing a pride crop-top shirt over his suit - its black and has the words ‘PRIDE’ in rainbow.] 

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

this is so cool [video: Peter is in a large, colourful crowd. He pulls off his mask as he starts speaking, “This is amazing! I am surrounded by so many different people and-“ Peter is cut off by a disbelieving laugh leaving his throat. The hand holding his mask ruffles his hair. “This is amazing.”]

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

im surrounded by so much Gay™️ [Video: Peter, maskless, is in front of a large crowd, a olt of whom are looking at the camera Peter is holding up. Peter slowly pans the camera, which is in selfie mode, to show the crowd in a large arc.]

 

-

 

**Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

Maybe Spider-Man isn’t so Bad Daily Bugel... [picture: Peter, in his full suit, with the crop-top and the trans pride flag]

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

LOOK AT THIS GOOD BOY [Picture: a smiling golden retriever who also has a pride cape, the good boys tail is a blur.]

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

OKAY SOIFOUND THIS ABANDONED BUILDING AND I WAS LIKE HUH THIS IS BORING BOT NOW I HAVE AN IDEA  @swingsbothways best boy

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@ned.in.the.chair id die for this good boy

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

sleep does not exist and is only a mere social construct for the weak

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@IronSandwich

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@swingsbothways ok kid what is your fantastic idea

 

-

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@IronSandwich it truly is a fantastic idea

 

-

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

Thor stole my shield so I ate all his poptarts

 

-

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

Thor found out I ate all his poptarts so now I have my shield back… but its in half

 

**Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@Cap.Rogers I was going to share them with Jane!

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Rogers**

@th7ndergod sorry

 

-

 

**Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@peterparkour I need your help

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@thundergod ooh sure what do you need me to help with

 

**Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@peterparkour The captain ate all my poptarts so I need to get back at him. 

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@thundergod i thought you broke his shield in half

 

**Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@peterparkour well there is a reason i came to you instead of loki

 

-

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

who did this

 

-

**Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

Stark Industries Buys Abandoned Building, Turns it Into Animal Shelter and Vet. “It truly is a fantastic idea.” Said Pepper Potts.

**Daily Bugle @DailyBugle**

WASTE OF MONEY. Spider-Man Found Abandoned Building, Turns it Into Pest Shelter

**The Guardian @TheGuardian**

After Spider-Man Discovered an Abandoned Building. He Turned it Into a Shelter for Animals. Complete with a Vet Section and a Play Area. “It truly is a fantastic idea.” Pepper Potts told us.

-

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

Welcome Stark Industries Animal Shelter, Stark Cute [Picture: Peter, Tony, and Pepper are in front of the once-abandoned building, now cleaned up and fixed. The building is brick, the door is a glass double-door. The walls are a light grey-blue, ‘powder blue’, the interior is modern, like the Tower. But it is also soft and homey and comfortable.]

**peter-man @peterparkour**

ITS DONE AHIDBSIDJM [Picture: Tony, Thor, Peter, Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce, Bucky, Steve, Natasha, and Clin are in front of the building - in order with Thor in the middle, Tony and Pepper next to him, and Rhodey and bruce on the other side of him - doing slightly silly poses. Thor is holding Peter upside down by his ankles, Peters hair is barely touching the ground.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys want to see something in this please comment im running out of ideas ehciddnjsjxn


	12. Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado  @QueenBitch wAbutatI teLlLlllLl youuUuuUu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iron Mom @PPotts
> 
> @IronSandwich Only if I can own more than 12% of the tower
> 
>  
> 
> Iron Dad* @IronSandwich
> 
> @PPotts 13%
> 
>  
> 
> Iron Mom @PPotts
> 
> @IronSandwich 88%
> 
>  
> 
> Iron Dad* @IronSandwich
> 
> @PPotts … 50%
> 
>  
> 
> Iron Mom @PPotts
> 
> @IronSandwich deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you like this jdfkncks

**potato-man @potatogun**

peter really did THAT [he retweeted Peters tweet]

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@potatogun im so proud of my spider son…

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich thanks dad

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

peter parker is a mess and i have proof [Video: It starts in the middle of Peter tripping in falling in Mays apartment. “SHIT” Peter yells, and seconds later we hear May shout, “EXCUSE ME!?” “Nothing!” Peter gets up and continues walking to his room. He opens his door and reveals his mess of a room. Peter turns around and looks at Neds camera with a dead-eyed look.]

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

life be like that sometimes [Picture: Peter is on the ground with a look of stress on his face. He looks like he is contemplating everything.]

 

-

Ned snickers as he tweets it, then looks back at his friend and exhaled a laugh through his nose, “You ‘k dude?” Peter groans in what seemed like absolute despair. He nodded, “Mood.” Another noise makes it way out of Peters throat, eyes twitching and wincing as they were screwed shut. He looks like he’s in pain.

 

Through the window, the sun makes itself known as the clouds pass. A moaned sob makes its way out of Peters mouth. What the fuck? “Hey, dude, what’s going on?” Peter hisses through his nose, curling up into a ball. Ned is growing more concerned, is he dying? 

 

“Everything…” A siren blares by and Peter hiccups, body shaking and twitching. “Sensitive.” Peter says, seemingly only capable of one-word responses. 

 

Ned remembers Peter complaining about how ‘everything was dialed up to eleven’ and realises that right now everything for Peter must be dialed up to like twenty or something. He looks at the window and then one of the thicker sheets on the bed. If he put it over the window, the sun won’t shine as harshly, the sheet acting like a curtain. 

 

He stood up and grabbed the blanket before realising that he had no tape. He looked around the slightly messy room for tape. Would tacks work? Maybe not, the sheet is kind of heavy. He shuffled through a drawer and found tape, it had some gross strings and some dust on it - for some reason, how did strings and dust get on the tape when roll barely even looked used? 

 

Ned pulled two two-middle-finger-sized strips of tape from the roll and walked over to the window. Peter let out a shaky sob as some annoying car honked for a quite frankly rude and public-disturbance-causing amount of time. He held the sheet up over the window, the room darkening significantly; he had some trouble keeping it up as he taped it (he had to use more tape), but luckily he managed to do so. 

 

Ned looked back on his friend who had a look of relief on his face - though sadly he still looked in pain. He smiled, happy that he at least helped. He got another pillow for Peter and gave it to him, who smushed it on his face.

 

-

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

clints having a midlife crisis

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@queennat i mean he isnt that bad

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@greenman stop lying to yourself

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich whats going on?

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour ill dm you lol

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich please dont ever say ‘lol’

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour fine i wont dm you

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich wait no

 

-

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

Coming Soon… [Video: its literally just the song jeremy renner posted, but lets imagine Clint made it]

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

hEaVeN dOnT hAvE a NaMe

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@QueenBitch wAbutatI teLlLlllLl youuUuuUu

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@freshurivocado im screaming

 

-

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

me: haha that’s funny lol

peter: [(apparently I can't use emojis so just imagine two laughing emojis, three cry-laughing emojis, one snorting emoji, one angry emoji, and two tounge out, head tilted, crazy emoji cuz idk what it’s actually called)]

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

lets mcfreaking lose it

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour oh god what are you doing

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@IronSandwich nothing bad!

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour ted im going to be honest that is far from reassuring 

 

**witch @witchbitch**

@IronSandwich Peter says we dont hang out enough and wanted to get to know me so we are hanging out with dogs in the shelter.

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@witchbitch oh

 

**witch @witchbitch**

@IronSandwich [Picture: Wanda and Peter are on the floor, they appear to be in front of the couch. Peter has his head tilted back, looking like he is in heaven as dogs and puppies kiss and lick his face. Wanda is barely in view, half her body is cut out as she smirks at the camera, eyes full of humour.]

 

-

 

**false! @dingabe**

Oh great spider god, @swingsbothways , will you please bless us with a field trip to the sacred tower of The Avengers

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@dingabe no

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@dingabe maybe

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@dingabe absolutely not

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@dingabe fine

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@dingabe absolutely yes

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@dingabe wait

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

oh great goddess, @PPotts , Peters classmates want to go on a field trip to the sacred tower of The Avengers, but I would like to do them one better, and bring them to the sacred temple that is the Compound

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@IronSandwich Only if I can own more than 12% of the tower

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@PPotts 13%

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@IronSandwich 88%

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@PPotts … 50%

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@IronSandwich deal

 

-

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

Guess who’s going on a field trip to the Avengers Compound

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@mrharrington HOLY SHIT

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@mrharrington [Picture: Reaction Image of a crying woman]

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@mrharrington god hasnt left us

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@mrharrington im crying [Picture: Poor quality image or a crying Eugene Thompson.]

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

@mrharrington [Reaction Image: falling cat]

 

**false! @dingabe**

@mrharrington i would die for you @swingsbothways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes im making them all go on a field trip to the compound


	13. “Yes!”

“As you all know,” Mr. Harrington started, looking at his Academic Decathlon team. “We have been granted the great privilege of getting a tour of the Avengers Compound.”

 

The students cheered, Flash was dry sobbing, Abe was Fortnite dancing, Cindy, from her seat at the podium, was looking up at the ceiling with her hands on her temples as if god himself granted them the privilege. Betty was standing with her hands cupped over her mouth, Sally and Charles were screaming/cheering; Peter couldn’t tell. And Ned was trying (keyword: trying) to shake his shoulders in excitement. 

 

Oh yeah, he hadn’t taken his best friend to the Avengers Compound yet.

 

Peter has met the Avengers a few times - obviously - anyone not close to him could look at both/either of his Twitter accounts and instantly know that the team had all practically adopted him. Tony was his father-figure and everyone else were his aunts or uncles.

 

“I think we all know who to thank.” Mr. Harrington stated the obvious, gesturing to him. MJ snorted.

 

Charles, who was closest to him - aside from Ned - ran to him and hugged him, nearly (correction: barely moved him) knocking him out of his seat.

 

“Thank you!” Flash yelled at him, misty eyed.

 

“When is the trip?!” Betty yelled. “Thursday!”

 

It was Tuesday. The team cheered as if Jesus himself came down from heaven and told the world he had a way to solve world hunger. I.E: loudly and with tears.

 

-

 

Peter, having texted Happy and asked him to pick him up from school and drive him to the compound, flopped onto one of the longer couches in the common room of said compound.

 

Vision, who was trying to make some soup - and probably somehow burning it again - greeted him in a mechanical voice, “Hello, Mr. Parker.” 

 

Peter, who was busy thinking of all the ways the trip could go wrong. His identity had been revealed months ago so that's not a worry. But his dignity was, considering the Compound is his second home, and all his aunts and uncles and one (1) dad that he wasn’t related to. Actually, he wasn’t related to any of them, but they are still family, and he was the youngest, and apparently the job of literally everyone but the youngest is to embarrass said youngest…

 

Oh god, what has he done?

 

-

 

Thursday came all too fast but also way too slow, the days passing insufferably slow but then he would blink and the day was already over.

 

Peter, having slept at the Compound because his aunt had to take a short surprise business trip to Florida on Wednesday (“I don’t want you to nearly accidentally burn down the apartment again, Peter.”), was ten minutes late. When he arrived, his teammates cheered and the bus door swung open, nearly hitting Flash in the face. The team rushed on the bus, Peter last, and the bus drove to what Peter hopes will not be another disastrous field trip.

 

-

 

“Are we gonna see the Avengers?!” Abe yelled at him, voice high with excitement and hope.

 

“Perhaps.” Peter grumbled. Abe threw his head back and yelled ‘Yes!’ while everyone else cheered. They were all circled around him, either in the walkway or kneeling/sitting/standing in their seats.

 

“What about the White Wolf?” Flash asked. MJ looked up and at him, “So, James Barnes now?” Flash looked at her, confusion clear on his face.

 

“First Captain America, then Peter-“ Peter sputtered in embarrassment. “Next, Thor. And now Bucky Barnes?”

 

Flash looked at her, then his face settled in confidence. “Maybe so.”

 

-

 

The students, minus MJ and Peter, were shrieking in excitement as they pulled up to the Avengers Compound. The students and Mr. Harrington piled out of the bus and saw Sam Wilson waiting for them. “Holy shit, it’s the Falcon.” Charles whispered in awe as the man walked towards them. “Nice job stating the obvious.” Sally said with no bite. 

 

“Hey,” Sam said casually. “So, I’m going to be your tour guide.” Peter knew instantly that this trip was going to be disastrous if an Avenger was their tour guide. The team was practically bouncing on their feet in excitement at the fact that an Avenger was going to be their tour guide.

 

Ned grabbed his arm and attempted to shake him, “You never said he was going to be our tour guide!” 

 

Sam snorted. He held out his hand, which held a few important-looking papers, out for Mr. Harrington. “Alright, so these are NDA’s and informed consent sheets; your field trip is a tour of the Avengers Compound so there is a high chance you might see something confidential.”

 

“I thought a document signed by a person under eighteen wouldn’t be valid?” Cindy asked. Sam nodded his head, “Yes, but we already talked with all your parents, and if you sign these papers that means you agree to these NDA’s and understand the legal consequences you and your parents will get if anything confidential gets out.

 

“Now, I need you to read and sign those papers, if you don’t do both you will not be allowed to enter the Compound.” Sam finished, the student nodding her head in understanding 

 

Once everyone read and signed the sheets, they were allowed to continue on with the tour.

 

“As you know, this is the Avengers Compound,” Sam started as they walked to the entrance. A woman that Peter did not know was waiting there for them with a box of badges. “Hello, my name is Rachel and these are your visitor badges,” Rachel greeted. “You need to wear these and keep them visible at all times.” She passed them out. The badges were shiny white with arc-reactor blue detailing on the card. “You may enter once FRIDAY approves.”

 

At their confused looks she clarified, “FRIDAY is Mr. Starks AI, she runs this place. Please, push your badges in the scanner.”

 

Mr. Harrington walked up first, tentatively entering his visitor badge in the scanner. FRIDAY greeted him, “Roger Harrington, Clearance Level: Visitor.” Mr. Harrington made a startled sound and pulled out his visitor badge.

 

“I didn’t know your name was Roger.” Abe said. Flash hurried up to the scanner and pushed his badge in. “Eugene Thompson, Clearance Level: Visitor.” Flash bounced on his heels in excitement, then pulled it out.

 

“Why are you so excited to do that?” Sally asked. “It makes me feel valid.” Answered Flash. The students nodded in agreement while the three present adults looked at them in confusion.

 

Peter was last in putting his badge, which, like every other Avenger (even if he wasn’t one officially he was according to Tony and every other Avenger. “I’m not an Avenger.” “You are in our hearts.” Thanks, Natasha.) was customized. It was red, outlined by blue, and had the black web markings like his suit coming out from the middle of the card . The identification ‘Spider-Man’ was white and above the clearance level ‘10’, which was also white, both were in the middle of the badge.

 

“Woah, is that your badge?” Ned asked, looking at it. The other students, who were crowding around Sam, heard him and started crowding around Peter to see his badge.

 

“That looks so cool!” “It looks like Spider-Man.” “He is Spider-Man, Charles.” Peter walked forward and entered his card.

 

“Spider-Man, Clearance Level: 10, Resident.” FRIDAY greeted, “Hello, Peter, I take it this is your class?” Peter smiled up at the camera, “Yeah, this is my AcaDec team.” 

 

“Hello, Midtown High Academic Decathlon team, I am FRIDAY, I help run this building. I hope you enjoy your field trip.”

 

The team walked in and the first thing they heard was the Mii Channel theme song. The team looked at him for an explanation, while Peter looked at Sam. “Doo, doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo-doo.” Ned sang. “Why is the Mii theme playing?” MJ asked, looking at Peter, then Sam.

 

“Don’t look at me, it’s probably Clint.” Sam blamed. “Hey!” Clints voice rang from the ceiling. “Clint, get out of the vents.” Sam argued. “No!” The team started giggling in confusion and amusement. Sam sighed, “Let’s just continue with the tour.” Sam opened his arms wide, gesturing to the lobby of the compound. The students looked around in awe, Peter smirking as he remembered his first time here, when he was asked to be an Avenger. “The Avengers Compound has four levels, two above ground, two below. The Avengers reside on the second above-ground level. The compound workers, specifically the scientists, medical, engineers, etcetera, work on the three other floors.”

 

“I can’t believe you come here basically everyday…” Ned said in awe as he looked around the clean, shiny, modern lobby of the Avengers Compound.

 

“Yeah, that-” He pointed to an area near the meeting rooms. “Is where Mr. Stark asked me to be an Avenger.” The team burst into noise and questions. “He asked you to be an Avenger?!” “Yeah, but I think it was a test so I turned him down.”

 

Sam looked like he was holding back laughter “Wait you thought it was a test?” Peter froze, was it not a test? He voiced his thoughts. Sam snorted, “No.” The team was freaking out so Peter defended himself, “I’m a teenager! I spend hours doing homework or studying nearly every day! And, if I don’t look out for the little guy, who will?” 

 

“See? This is why Spider-Man is my favourite not-Avenger.” Flash fanboyed calmly.

 

-

 

The team followed Sam to the science wing of the Compound, it was connected by a hall.

 

“These are the labs, this is where smart stuff happens.” Sam informed them intelligently. “And these are the… also labs, but with stations, whereas in those labs-” Sam pointed to the other lab rooms, “is where more ‘heavy duty’ experiments and science-y lab work goes on.” 

 

The science office is a large room with a dozen or so stations for each worker to do their job of whatever they need to do, it also has couches, dozens of white boards, and tables with chairs (or more couches), it was honestly pretty laid back (aside from some of the experiments Peter has seen and done there). The science wing also houses Medical, as once a scientist apparently found an unidentified disease in something he was working on. Peter doesn’t know how that happened and neither does Tony (“Shit happens.” The genius explained intelligently.).

 

“I did not expect it to be so laid back.” Cindy said as she and the others looked around. A guy holding a beaker and staring at it intently. Peter felt his spidey-senses tingle, the hairs on his neck and arms raise. The man gets a blowtorch and aims it in the beaker, the stuff reacts violently.

 

“Wait holy shit is that Bruce Banner?!” Charles yelled, pointing as the man walked out of one of the labs. Bruce gave them a small wave.

 

“Hey, Uncle Bruce!” Peter greeted. His teammates promptly freaked out in fanboy/fangirl/fan excitement. 

 

-

 

The team left the science wing, not getting to see Medical (It wasn’t that interesting though, in Peter’s opinion, he’s been there quite a few times, it is just a hospital but for superheroes.). Sam guided them to the gym, “Where are we going?” Sally asked, everyone looking to Sam. “The gym.” He answered.

  
  
  


He hears a faint shout, and the sound of a body hitting a wall (he is familiar with the sound). They walk to the window that was installed so someone (with a high enough clearance.) could watch the Avengers train. Steve and Bucky are training, with Natasha watching inside with them. 

 

“Sam or Natasha have to watch them to make sure-“ Peter pauses for a quick moment to remember if Steve and Bucky are out. “to make sure they don’t try to have sex on the mat.” 

 

“Wait what?!” Charles asks loudly. “Peter, please keep all conversations school appropriate.” Mr. Harrington says in a slightly shocked voice.

 

“Why am I suprised that Captain America has sex?” Cindy asks in surprise. Except for MJ. 

 

“The government and society purified the idea of Captain America to be angelic but heroic. Apparently he can kill Nazis and Hydra but not have sex. It’s too impure.” MJ answers in slightly sarcastic tone. Cindy ‘oh’s and nods her head.

 

The door opens, “Captain America isn’t as angelic as he is said to be.” Bucky says with a smirk. Behind him, Steve blushes and shoves him in embarrassment, “Bucky!” 

 

Bucky laughs with Sam, “What? You swear like a sailor!” Steve blushes in realisation.

 

“What’d’ya think he meant?” Sam teases. Steve sputters.

 

“Children!” Steve waves vaguely in their direction. “Highschoolers.” Peter corrects. “But I still don’t want to hear about my uncles’ sex lives so please don’t.” He accentuates ‘don’t’.

 

Bucky snorted and walked off, leaving Steve a blushing, sweaty mess to deal with a bunch of highschoolers who, like every other kid in America, were raised knowing who the legendary ‘Captain America’ was.

 

“Is your shield really the size of a dinner plate, and if I were to attack you, should I shoot you in the legs?” Abe memes. Steve looked confused and weary, Sam too, as did their teacher. 

 

“Excuse me?” “I shot him in the legs ‘cause his shield was the size of a dinner plate and hes an idiot.” Abe explained. If Steves face were a reaction image his face would be surrounded by question marks.

 

“It’s a meme.” Peter explained, Steve nodded as if it explained everything. “Uh, my shield is larger than a dinner plate, and uh- I would rather you not for my legs as I need them.” The team burst out in varying levels of loud or soft giggling, MJ smirked in amusement.

 

Clint let out a loud ‘Ha!’, startling Steve. “You should go for the legs, Steve doesn’t know what leg day is.” Natasha sauntered into the room, a humoured smirk on her face. MJ’s mouth dropped open, Peter could practically feel the excitement radiating off her. She raised her hand, 

 

“Ms. Black Widow, uh- what’s it like being a bad ass woman in a world of superhero boys and corrupt businessmen?” Natashas shock was barely visible, but Peter knew that everyone preferred to ask questions for the war hero and Iron Man. “I will admit, it's annoying, but knowing that I could rip them in half with my little finger helps when they patronize me for looking like a weak girl on a team of big strong men.” MJ nodded.

 

“I thought everyone knew you were a badass?” Charles asked. Natasha raised an eyebrow. “It’s kind of obvious that you should be a badass. The world is run by old sexist men, and if a woman got on the team, well, you would have to be something…”

 

“She is something.” Steve agreed, remembering that time Natasha fought of ten armed men with no weapons, saving him.

 

Clint fell from the vent, “Ow.” He ouches. Clint slowly stands up, “Yeah she is.” He agrees, remembering that time when Natasha did anything. 

 

“What do you mean by ‘something’?” MJ queries, interested in possibly hearing stories about her favourite Avenger. 

 

“She once infiltrated Stark Industries before the Avengers were formed, she did it to see if Tony was eligible to be part of the team.” Clint recalls. 

 

“How is that ‘something’?” Flash asks. “Stark Industries is much more guarded than the damn Pentagon.” Sam answers. The team makes an ‘aw’ or ‘oh’ noise.

 

“She basically became my secretary before stabbing me in the neck.” Tony walks to the class. “You were dying.” Natasha raises an eyebrow at him. “I thought you were gonna steal my organs!” Tony chuckles, he was past that, she helped save his life by giving him more time. 

 

“Thanks to her injecting me with-, whatever that was,” He vaguely shakes his hand in the air, “I had time to create a new element!” He grins, though it looked like one of the few expressions he made during a press conference. 

 

“Alright, anyway, Pete, I need you. The lab might blow up and it’s not my fault.” Oh god what happened- Peter flinches as his neck buzzes uncomfortably. It feels like the tingle when he found the Chitauri core. 

 

He rubs his neck, “Yeah what for?” Tony walks away, making a motion for Peter to follow him. “The usual.” Ok, so it’s dangerous. He knew that, if it wasn’t his neck wouldn't have felt like bees.

 

Once the two were a distance from the others, Tony speaks up. “I assume you saw a guy with a beaker?” Peter nods. “On a recent mission we found a liquid-goop in a large vial, there were multiple vials, by the way. We gave it to the best scientists this compound has - which are some of the best in the world - but that guy - for some reason - took it and tried to test it for himself. So yeah he’s fired now. Anyway, just recently we found out its alien, and also dangerous. And also alive.”

 

what

 

“What?” Peter looks at his father-figure-mentor, “Alive?!” Tony nods.

 

“The goop thing is otherworldly and is literally goop. It is alive but nothing like literally any creature on this planet as they all have hearts and brains. As I said, this thing is literally goop.

 

“Thor also told me that they can… ‘meld’ with people, and basically control them.” What the fuck. “So they are obviously very dangerous.” Peter hears a faint shriek from down the hall, and then more screams and shouts. 

 

Tony, not having heard the screams, looks at him confused and worried. Peter points aggressively down the hall where they came from, “They’re screaming.” Tony makes an ‘o’ with his mouth and they run down the hall.

 

Once they get back to his team, some red goop is sticking to Flash, most of its body on the floor with thick strands of itself reaching and connecting with Flash’s arm and hand.

 

 “Peter!” Flash seems relieved to see him. Peter has no idea what to do and therefore feels extremely guilty to be useless. “Help, what is this?!” Flash’s voice gets increasingly higher as more of the large red blob connects and melds with Flash, arm slowly disappearing.

 

A large strand throws itself onto Flash’s face, who screams in fear. “Peter what is this?!” He doesn’t know.

 

MJ throws a pencil at the thing. The red stuff catches it and throws the pencil away.

 

“What the fuck what the fuck.” Abe mutters, quietly watching as Flash is slowly absorbed.

 

“Tony what do we do?!” Steve yells, aggressively worrying for the students. “I don’t know!”

 

Flash screams as the whole red blob disappears in his arm. “Where did it go?!” The whole team is panicking in varying volumes; quiet in shock or sobbing in highly visible terror. The red good reappears and Flash sobs as the red goop quickly encases him. His face disappears as a red monstrous one covers it. Large teeth and big white eyes. It reminds him of a drawing someone did of Spider-Man, if he were a monster. The face of red and big, mouth taking up a large portion of its face. A large tongue hangs out. The monster goop looks like its grinning, Peter assumes it’s eyeing all of them, but the beast doesn’t have pupils so he can’t tell. 

 

A deep growl omits from the beast and oh sweet Jesus they’re all going to die and Peter can do nothing about it.

 

“You need Jesus!” Peter memes nervously. The beast growls and lunges for him. Peter quickly jumps out of the way, though his mind was slightly blurred as the screams of his team pierces him. He twists and lands on his feet, facing the creature again. Tony has watch-gauntlet out, aiming at the goop monster. He fires and the beast shrieks, bending over as the goo is singed and smoking. A clawed hand shakily raises to its burnt forehead, and it yells in pained anger at Tony, and crouches in a way that signals it’s about to jump and attack his father-figure. 

 

Cindy and every one of his teammates are crying in the background. “Hey where’s my battle music?” Peter quips to FRIDAY. Steve looks at him as if he’s offended for some reason, “Is now really the time?!” “Yes!” 

 

A thunderous yell comes from seemingly all directions just as Peter jumps to attack the beast so it doesn’t hurt his mentor. The beast falls as everything shakes as Thor is heard. The sky darkens threateningly and Peter is honestly terrified on behalf of the possibly human-eating monster. The window next to the training room(s) and the hall shatters as Thor flies through with his hammer, flying right go the beast. 

 

“Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin starts playing the moment the glass is shattered. Peters eyes widened as he realised he might literally be caught in the middle of one of Thor's battles. He moves to jump but his hand is stuck  _ inside _ the beasts back. He pulls and is then flying - still attached - as Thor hits the creature. Lightning singes its skin, and Peter’s arm, and for a moment Peter thinks he sees Jesus and his own parents.

 

The creature shrieks loudly in pain and he worries he might burst his eardru- oh shit is that Flash? The creatures face falls away and Peter sees Flash screaming. Peters arm is freed.

 

He hits the ground after the beast does, slowly mending itself and moving over Flash’s face, covering it once more. “Shit.” Peter whispered.

 

“Do it again!” Clint yells. “No, you’ll hurt the kid!” Shouts Steve. Thor stares at them. “We have a hospital.” Natasha agrees with Clint.

 

Thor raises his hammer, lightning is drawn into the tool, the monster shrieks, and Peter is terrified for everything. Thor aims the weapon at the beast, the lightning blasting the creature. Red goop flies away like water, some droplets smoking or flaming, it’s dead. Flash flies away, hair singed, eyebrows gone, and body scarred with the marks of the lightning. His clothes are also burning.

 

“Oh my god!” The team runs over to Flash, Mr. Harrington the most visibly worried, “Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, I am begging you please don’t be dead.” Peter hovers near Flash, feeling guilty.

 

This wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t agreed to ask for a field trip.

 

-

 

The team gets their tour of medical, kind of. They followed the doctors and nurses as they brought Flash to be treated. Though they weren’t allowed in the hospital room.

 

Peter sulks in the corner, sitting in a chair, not really paying attention to anything. Mj walks over to him, “It’s not your fault.” She hits him on the head.

 

“Hey!” Peter says with a pout. “It isn’t.” Abe says. Peter glares at him, “If I hadn't agreed to ask Mr. Stark to let us have a field trip here, Flash wouldn’t have gotten possessed by some alien!”

 

“Sorry to interrupt,” A nurse interrupted. “But Eugene is awake, you may see him now.” The Academic Decathlon team and their teacher rush into the room.

 

Flash is hooked up to multiple tubes and wires. He has a heart monitor (Peter heard Flash’s heart stop once), and other stuff that Peter thinks might mean Flash will be here for a while.

 

“Eugene! Are you okay?!” Mr. Harrington worries.

 

“That was the most awesome yet terrifying thing to ever happen to me.” Flash answers. “You got possessed by an alien.” Charles says.

 

“Maybe, but Thor hit me with his lightning to save me!” Flash is awed. “You almost died.” Peter is confused. “But Thor.” Well, Peter does agree with that. He makes a motion with his head to signal agreement. He frowns. “You almost died.” Peter repeats. 

 

“The Avengers.” Flash slaps his hand on the bed. “Are you not traumatised by what happened?” Peter asks incredulously. “Of course I am. I was just taken over by a goop alien thing then struck by Thor's lightning. But, it was kind of cool. Terrifying to experience but…” Flash gets a look on his face that indicates that what happened is setting in. Flash leans his head back and covers his face with his hands, a large sigh leaving his lungs.

 

“You ok?” Cindy asks. The teams worry collectively rose. Flash didn’t answer them.

 

“We need you to leave.” A nurse came in and dragged them out.

 

-

 

The class was sitting in the waiting room, have been for over an hour it seems. Steve walked over to them, accompanied by a guilty looking Sam. “So,” Steve greets awkwardly. “Would you rather leave, or join us in the Avengers common room?” The team stared at them.

 

“I mean…” Betty started. “Ok,” Charles slapped his thigh. “When will we ever get this chance again?” Charles looked at his teammates. Abe nodded. 

 

“Wasn’t Peter basically adopted by the Avengers?” Cindy responded. “And what about Flash?”

 

“We can’t…” Mr. Harrington told Steve. Steve nodded and reassured the man. “You’re parents…” Mr. Harrington looked at the students. “Oh, god, Eugene's parents…” Mr. Harrington put his head in his hands.

 

-

 

The team got onto the bus. The ride was long, prolonged by the unusual silence. 

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

what the fuck

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@moonmoon agreed

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

@moonmoon yep

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@bbrant no you dont understand //what the fuck//

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i shouldnt have agreed to let them come

 

**Alex\\\ @starspangledboy**

@peterparkour why what happened?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@starspangledboy i dont want to talk about it

 

-

 

Peter should have known that his dignity was the least of his worries. He thought as he sat in his room, eyes rimmed red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna be honest i hated this chapter


	14. just let me wallow in peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> false! @dingabe
> 
> *fortnite dances slowly* whats wrong son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY LATE IVE JUST FELT LIKE I WAS SCOTT IN THE QUANTUM REALM FLOATING AROUND WHILE EVERYTHING OUTSIDE TE REALM PASSES BY MUCH FASTER  
> enjoy :)

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i hate my life

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour you want me to come over? i have a new lego set

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair no

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour wbt pizza?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair just let me wallow in peace

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour :(

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

CNDJNDKVHSNC @peterparkour WANNA HELP MAKE ME A NEW SUIT

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado no sorry i have to deal with spidey stuff

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@peterparkour just leave it to the avengers cmon the suit is cool!!!

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@freshurivocado what i do is a little below their pay grade

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour kid go have fun, queens wont end without their little spider-baby

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich @freshurivocado no

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@peterparkour but suit

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

alright listen up @peterparkour, get over yourself. what happened wasnt your fault and flash isnt dead.

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch if i hadnt let you guys come flash wouldnt be hurt

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour did you know there was a weird monster on the loose?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch no

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour then it wasnt your fault

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch i shouldve known, my spidey senses did their annoying thing, i shouldve alerted sam or someone…

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour you spidey senses ‘do their thing’ when your around pencils

 

[minutes pass]

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour peter

 

-

 

Peter sat in class, bored out of his mind. Ms. Warren droned on, Peter making no effort to listen as his head lay on his arms. Ever since the recent field trip he's been tired and guilty and in trying to compensate for that he has been rough with the bad guys during patrol.

 

A student barged into the classroom, scaring everyone. “What’s up!” Holy shit it’s Flash.

 

Peter jumped up, running to him, “Oh my god, you're still alive!” Peter hugged him, nearly knocking the both of them over. “Uh- Yeah- I’m not dead!” Flash said awkwardly. Peter pulled away, “Sorry, I- I’ve just- and you,” He pointed at Flash, then rubbed his neck, “Y’know?”

 

Flash looked like he didn’t know, “Yeah.” Peter made a vague motion with both his arms, then rubbed his neck. This is the worst moment in his life, god why is he so awkward. “Glad you're not dead!” He did the awkward Bisexual Finger Guns motion with both his hands, then walked back to his seat. Pulling out his phone, Peter quickly opened up the Twitter app and started typing:

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

im the most awkward thing to exist

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@peterparkour did you have to greet him like that, it was so awkward

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@bbrant :(

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@peterparkour im not dead!

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@fthompson neat

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour peter i stg

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair *desperate and awkward screaming*

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

thor legit justs pops up on earth without permission so wouldnt he be like,,, an illegal immigrant?

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour yeah but hes white so racist people ignore the whole ‘entering without permission’ part

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch why cant people just let other people be happy

 

-

 

**false! @dingabe**

*fortnite dances slowly* whats wrong son

 

-

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

I just saw this kid drop his ice cream and yelled for his mom to get him another one. His mother said “no” and the kid did this weird dance and then started crying

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

I will never understand the youth of today

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@Cap.Poptarts was the weird dance a fortnite dance

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

@peterparkour A what dance?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@Cap.Poptarts [Reaction image: Shocked Pikachu]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rlly hope you enjoyed cuz like,,,, well like usual, i didnt lie this :)))))) comments add another year to my life and also give me motivation for a new chapter


	15. moof  mood*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m In: yes this is an intelligible conversation
> 
>  
> 
> peter-man: we are very articulate. one intellectual to another
> 
>  
> 
> I’m In: the best at English language, actual literary geniuses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you like this! i like writing cuz its like taking your shower thoughts and throwing them out into the abyss that is the internet, making a story out of them, and hoping someone comes across them and likes it

**Cindy @moonmoon**

i just spent the last 30 minutes looking for a header for someone , only to find out that they deleted the post

 

**false! @dingabe**

@moonmoon oof

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@dinabe oOf [reaction image: that mocking spongebob meme]

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@moonmoon @dingabe children! children! we fight with swords not words or mockery.

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

peter: I sense the faint smell of danger

bad guy: *aiming a gun point-blank from his head*

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich it happened one time

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour i was making a joke

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich oh, then it never happened

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

peter took off his shirt and i was blinded

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@fthompson what were you blinded by?

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@charles gay

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@fthompson thats gay

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@charles jared we’ve been dating for 9 months

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

theres this kid next to me with some heavy metal screaming in his ears through his headphones and hes calmy headbanging like hes listening to some slow tempo old instrumental music or something

 

-

 

~~~~ dms ~~~~

 

 **peter-man:** [tweet: **Satan @s8n :** _Me: how long will you last? My depression: [Picture: Its from The Good Place “Okay, shouldn’t take long. Between an hour, and, um, 11 months._ ]

 

 **I’m In:** moof

mood*

 

 **peter-man:** m o o f

 

 **I’m In:** m

o

o

f

 

 **peter-man:** mo

oooooooo

of

 

 **I’m In:** yes this is an intelligible conversation

 

 **peter-man:** we are very articulate. one intellectual to another

 

 **I’m In:** the best at English language, actual literary geniuses.

 

-

~still dms btw ~

 

 **peter-man:** hoOOt pockEt

 

 **I’m In:** i read that as hoot pocket

 

 **peter-man:** [GIF: it’s a hot pocket (with a bite in it) on an orange and yellow gradient background.]

 

 **I’m In:** the pocket that’s a hoot

owls love them

 

 **peter-man:** it’s like the commercial where the girl is like “hOt pockEt”

wait i’m sorry

owls? [GIF: three owls with their heads tilted, their eyes are blinking.]

owls

as in…

bird

 

 **I’m In:** yes

hoot pockets are hot pockets for owls

because owls hoot

 

 **peter-man:** how do you know that owls like to eat hot pockets

OH

I THOUGHT YOU MENAT THAT OWLS LIKE HOT POCKETS BECAUSE YOU FED AN OWL A HOT POCKET

 

 **I’m In:** [Emoji: cry laughing]

 

 **I’m In:** you’ve been drinking that dumb bitch juice

 

 **peter-man:** i only drink that dumb bitch juice hun

 

 **I’m In:** same [Emoji: desperate (but according to the emojipedia.org its weary)]

 

 **peter-man:** anyway look at this picture i took [Picture: Peter appears to be on a building, the sun is setting, the clouds are purples and pinks, the sky is a yellowish-grey and the buildings of Queens are bathed in the fading colours of the sun.]

 

 **I’m In:** ooh pretry

pretty

 

 **peter-man:** pretry

 

 **I’m In:** p r e t r y

 

 **peter-man:** pr

e

e

tr

y

 

 **I’m In:** why are we like this

 

 **peter-man:** yes

 

-

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

sometimes peter comes inot class with a bruise and im reminded that a child is out there fighting bad guys and saving the world or universe…

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@mrharrington inot

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

@moonmoon please

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

its 5 am and my aunt isnt home someone call the fbi

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@peterparkour She’s fine, probably out with a friend

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronPatriot but it’s 5 am

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@peterparkour Time flies by when you’re with friends

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronPatriot the last time a parental figure was out this late police officers came to our house to tell us uncle ben was shot dead (after he died in my arms ofc)

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronPatriot apparently her friend has a condo shes ok

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

not to be a whore or anything but i wanna be c*ddled

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: id sell my soul for comments, but i dont know how to sell my soul so please do comment :)


	16. MJ @QueenBitch  @urbabygirlxxX press x to doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bon Jovi @charles
> 
> @swingsbothways hotel?
> 
>  
> 
> bider-king* @swingsbothways
> 
> @charles trivago
> 
>  
> 
> rise and shine @bbrant
> 
> @swingsbothways what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, im writing a new story (peter, his classmates, and the avengers watch spider-man: homecoming)  
> enjoy!!!

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

steve: fuck you!

me: fuck me yourself you coward

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

i want someone to rip out my spine and crack it like a whip

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

that ‘someone’ being pepper potts aka God herself

 

**Karen @Karen18362**

@IronSandwich God is a man!

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@Karen18362 shut your fuck you profileless anti vaxxer god is a woman and shes my wife

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

im a sim 

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@IronSandwich what facts do you have to prove this

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@greenman cuz i said so

 

-

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

i was trying to find enough bullshit to back my bullshit claim and i accidentally proved we are a simulation/fanfiction

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

@IronSandwich im sorry what

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@queennat this dumbass trans gay boy is writing everything that happened on an ipad in google fucking docs at 3 in the morning 

 

**pansexual disaster @notdeadpool**

@IronSandwich thats my job

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@notdeadpool who the fuck is you

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@PPottscome get your man

 

**Iron Mom @PPotts**

@QueenBitch I'm trying

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha*:** hey peter

 

**peter-man:** yeah?

 

**Ms. Keisha*:** furry

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich im giving you my two weeks notice

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour why???

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@IronSandwich he’s a furry

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@freshurivocado what

 

-

 

**tiffany @urbabygirlxxX**

Spiderman is straight!!! Stop saying he’s gay!!!!

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@urbabygirlxxX press x to doubt

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@QueenBitch x

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@QueenBitch x

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@QueenBitch X

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@QueenBitch x

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@QueenBitch x

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@QueenBitch x ssksjss its in my @

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@QueenBitch x

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

I am so straight, you will never catch me looking at another man!!! >:(((( I am HETEROSEXUAL, not GAY. I like WOmen, not mEN!!!!!

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@swingsbothways do i have to press x to doubt again?

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@QueenBitch yes

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@swingsbothways bitch

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@QueenBitch hoe

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@swingsbothways pancakes

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@ned.in.the.chair waffles

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@swingsbothways hotel?

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@charles trivago

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@swingsbothways what

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

Im listening to music but the right side of my headphone isnt working so im listening to disappointing but good music

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich you could have used the door instead of scaring the heck out of me by knocking on my window

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour you needed new headphones

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich but you scared me

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour sorry. Do you at least like your headphones?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich i love them, thanks

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@peterparkour nice

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@IronSandwich N i C e 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hng short but hope you like *awkwardly smiles while half asleep*


	17. Cha Cha Slide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rise and shine @bbrant
> 
> I WAS JUST IN ENGLISH AND OUR TEACHERS GAVE US A FEW DAYS TO WRITE A SHORT STORYA ND THEN THE TEACHER WOULD READ IT AND SOMEONE IN ENGLISH WROTE A STORY ABOUT HOW DONKEY HAD TO SHOOT SHREK IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE BECAUSE A ZOMBIFIED FAWQUAAD BIT HIM AND SHREKS LAST WORDS WERE “USE MORE THAN ONE BULLET. REMEMER…..” SHREK SHED A TEAR AND SMILED. “OGRES HAVE LAYERS”
> 
>  
> 
> Bon Jovi @charles
> 
> @bbrant NJHKSNJKD IWAS FUCINGK WHEEIZNG IT WAS SO FUNNY JHHJGDJHHHHH
> 
>  
> 
> Cindy @moonmoon
> 
> @bbrant skskkjksjk i died

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

Nobody:

Literally nobody:

Not even thor:

13 year old peter to thor: put cake mix in my bussy then fuck me so hard and fast that it cooks at 350 degrees and we make our wedding cake

 

**snake uncle @slitherin**

@ned.in.the.chair id like some bleach

 

**im unoriginal @hisshiss**

@ned.in.the.chair this is why i barely go on social media

 

**Fen @wolfboi**

@hisshiss @ned.in.the.chair wtf where did you find this crack

 

**Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@ned.in.the.chair … im flattered?

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair next time you get in life-threatening danger ill be busy doing homework and eating churros

 

-

  
  


~~~~ dms ~~~~

 

**Bon Jovi:** hewwo everypony

**Bon Jovi:** bazinga!

**Bon Jovi:** hehe uwu :3

 

**Bon Jovi has been kicked from the Spidey Protection Squad by MJ**

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

shuri is screaming about some explosion or something but i cant hear her over the sound of me ignoring my problems

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@swingsbothways WHAT DID YOU DO 

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@freshurivoacado hm?

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@swingsbothways ONE SEcOND EVERYThiNG WAS FINE AND THE NEXT evREING WAS ON FRIeR

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@freshurivoacado i see nothing wrong

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@swingsbothways TOASTERS ARENTT SUPPOSED TO BE ON FIRE

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@freshurivoacado that sounds like a you problem

 

-

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

I’ve been working on a 5 year plan, I’m really proud of it.

1.

2.

3.

4.

  1. And then they’ll all be sorry.



 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@mrharrington I use to have a similar plan like this and then I became an Avenger.

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

@greenman I’m not looking to become an Avenger but I’m also not against it.

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@mrharrington having powers isn’t needed for being an Avenger, being incredibly smart is another way to become one, you got anything like that?

 

**Roger Harrington @mrharrington**

@greenman I have an incredibly ability to have panic attacks whenever I am inconvenienced.

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@mrharrington oh wow.

 

-

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

I WAS JUST IN ENGLISH AND OUR TEACHERS GAVE US A FEW DAYS TO WRITE A SHORT STORYA ND THEN THE TEACHER WOULD READ IT AND SOMEONE IN ENGLISH WROTE A STORY ABOUT HOW DONKEY HAD TO SHOOT SHREK IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE BECAUSE A ZOMBIFIED FAWQUAAD BIT HIM AND SHREKS LAST WORDS WERE “USE MORE THAN ONE BULLET. REMEMER…..” SHREK SHED A TEAR AND SMILED. “OGRES HAVE LAYERS”

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@bbrant NJHKSNJKD IWAS FUCINGK WHEEIZNG IT WAS SO FUNNY JHHJGDJHHHHH

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@bbrant skskkjksjk i died

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

its not a secret that im a thot everyone knows id let the hulk pound me

 

**false! @dingabe**

@fthompson his dick would literally tear you in half

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@dingabe we dont know if the hulks dick grows when he hulks out 

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@ned.in.the.chair omg what if he has the hulk equivilent of a micro penis

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@potatogun im laughing but im also deeply uncomfortable its a strange mix

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@potatogun i know from personal experience that his dick is not micro

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@IronSandwich WHAT YEYHE UFKCLJKsHFDSKJFDfdfs

 

-

 

**Valkyrie @scrapper142**

i got a twitter account after thor and loki both convinced me its fun and chaotic

 

**Thunder Uncle* @thundergod**   
@scapper142 YAY YOU GOT AN ACCOUNT

 

**Valkyrie @scrapper142**

@thundergod you made it for me sparkles

 

**snake uncle @slitherin**

@scrapper142 i have to say you have a really nice aesthetic going for your account

 

**Valkyrie @scrapper142**

@slitherin you made that for me as well lackey

 

-

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

Why do boys always need to know your bra size?? Like you gonna jerk it to 36b?? Do you even know what that means?? I could probably say 6p and theyd cum

 

**witch @witchbitch**

@queennat give me the 1080p titty

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@witchbitch 60fps of titty

 

**Karen @spideysAI**

@QueenBitch 4k 144FPS mega-titty

 

**Captain @irvnstark**

@spideysAI 6.8 GHz dual core titty

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

like this tweet and i will instantly teleport to your home and gobbly up your shower curtain 

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@IronSandwich My shower curtain is glass

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@IronPatriot well crunchity munchity then, you think that will stop me?

 

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

this guy aimed a gun at me and cocked it and accidentally said “any last worms?” and i automatically pointed finger guns at him and said “any last guns?” so now im in mcdonalds with him

 

**transasmisato @acernshane**

@swingsbothways *worms gun*

any last cocks?

 

**bider-king @swingsbothways**

@acernshane *guns last* 

any worm cocks?

 

**fake ketchup @sbideygay**

why is spiderman in mcdonalds with a guy who has a gun wtfwtfwtfwtf [picture: Peter and the ‘Any Last Worms?’ guy are eating a burger in McDonalds.]

 

-

 

**witch @witchbitch**

[picture: It’s a square of paper(?), on the left side is a small pink realistic heart and on the right side is a rainbow brain. Under both is one sentence, “You have a decision to make.”]

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@witchbitch you either have heart palpitations or gay thoughts

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@archerbird i have both

 

**Uncle Bucky @notarobot**

@IronSandwich bisexuality

 

-

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

tony just did the cha cha slide in his suit because we made him [video: Peter, Tony, and Harley are at the park for some reason. Peter is holding his phone which is loudly playing the Cha Cha Slide. Tony is in his suit. “Sliiide to the left!” There is an indescribably loud screeching of metal against asphalt as Tony magically manages to slide to the left. The video skips for Tumblr meme purposes. 

“One hop this time.” Clonk. 

“Two hops this time.” Clonk clonk. Another skip. 

“Everybody clap your hands!” There are many clanks as Tony claps your hands. There is loud laughter from every direction. Peter is on the floor wheezing, somehow still holding up his phone.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) hope :) you :) liked :) this :)   
> comments give me life!


	18. bider-king* @swingsbothways  im gonna steal a bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daily Globe @DailyGlobe
> 
> Breaking News: Tony Stark buys Atlantic ocean, bans fishing and hunting. “A dolphin died, that’s not good. Also the ocean is dying and that’s also very not good.” Stark explains. [Photo: Tony Stark looking over the Atlantic ocean.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry its been so long since i updated!!!! school started last week and its very tiring (despite the fact there were only 3 school days last week...)

**Sorcerer Supreme @DocStrange**

There's an artifact that can make you see things. One time I touched it and thought I was living in candy land. Wong looked like a bipedal unicorn.

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@DocStrange so a unicorn furry but more realistic?

 

**Sorcerer Supreme @DocStrange**

@IronSandwich … Yes.

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@DocStrange that is absolutely amazing.

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

oh my god

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@moonmoon youre on the floor laughing what happened

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@moonmoon why are you dying

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

EVERYONE WHO DIED AT THE BATTLE OF HOGWARTS MISSED ALL STAR BY SMASH MOUTHS RELEASE TWO DAYS LATER

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@moonmoon its so tragic, they still had so much to do, so much to see

 

-

 

  **Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

i walk into the common room and see this [picture: It's a bunch of webs in the corner of the living room, connected to the ceiling and two walls, in the middle of the mess is a sleeping Peter, on arm hanging in between a hole in the webs. You can vaguely see his sleeping face, a cheek squished by the webs his head is laying on, though all the webs obscure his face.]

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

@archerbird thats a baby spider.

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

im watching a documentary and someone killed a dolphin im crying and am gonna riot

 

-

 

**Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

Breaking News: Tony Stark buys Atlantic ocean, bans fishing and hunting. “A dolphin died, that’s not good. Also the ocean is dying and that’s also very not good.” Stark explains. [Photo: Tony Stark looking over the Atlantic ocean.]

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

spider-man is just that powerful [Retweet with a quote: **Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

Breaking News: Tony Stark buys Atlantic ocean, bans fishing and hunting. “A dolphin die… (Photo: Tony Stark looking over the Atlantic ocean.)]

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@peterparkour did iron man just buy an ocean because you cried when a dolphin died

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@ned.in.the.chair he walked in on my crying and said, “one second im gonna get ice cream” then came back with an ocean and ice cream

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour i cant believe he bought an ocean and banned hunting and fishing do you know how much good that’s gonna do for the environment?? this is what billionaires should do with their money, save the environment.

 

-

 

**Daily Bugle @DailyBugle**

Tony stark BUYS ATLANTIC OCEAN, puting HUNDREDS out of their jobs after he bans fishing and hunting. “It was ruining the enviroment. stark says. [Photo: a dick pic]

 

**Daily Bugle @DailyBugle**

Tony Stark buys Atlantic ocean, making hundreds lose their jobs after he bans fishing and hunting. “It was ruining the environment.” stark says. [Photo: Tony Stark at a conference, his pointer finger is pointing down, he looks to be very passionate as he talks]

 

-

 

**The Guardian @TheGuardian**

Daily Bugle journalist loses job after posting a picture of his genitals.

 

-

 

**The Pulse @The_Pulse**

Tony Stark offers low-level jobs to the workers he made jobless after buying Atlantic ocean. “There are many low-level jobs anyone can have, becoming janitors, working in the cafeteria, or working as a receptionist. They can also continue working in the Atlantic, I need people to make sure no one traspasses and fishes or hunts.” Tony says.

 

-

 

**flower @avengermemes**

IMAGINE YOUR TEACHER LOOKING LIKE TONY IRON MAN STARK WOW [video: The video is made on Tik Tok, with the Avengers theme playing in the background. The camera zooms into a google images list of ‘tony stark’, then pans out to show a teacher looking down  at his phone, he looks like Tony Stark, except his forehead is a bit bigger. ]

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

@avengersmemes i didnt know you were a teacher @IronSandwich

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@freshurivocado holy shit

 

**flower @avengermemes**

@IronSandwich NJCHADKJHFD OH MY GOD

 

-

 

**Spider Aunt* @queennat**

*opens buzzfeed* *closes buzzfeed* [photo: ‘Which Disney DILF is Your Soulmate?’ An image of Mufasa is beside the text.]

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@queennat *opens buzzfeed* *closes buzzfeed* [photo: ‘8 Disney Plants That Can Definitely Get It’. A picture of that talking tree is above the text.]

 

-

 

**witch @witchbitch**

is your child a lesbian? a guide:

omg: oh my, girls

lol: loving on lesbians

brb: being really butch

smh: sapphic, me, hhhh

ttyl: think that you’re lesbian?

fml: femme, me love

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@witchbitch god i love you

 

**Sal @avrillavigne**

@moonmoon you love every strong and powerful woman, cindy

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@avrillavigne and what about it?

 

-

 

**Uncle Bucky @notarobot**

im changing my name

 

**raccoon man @notarobot**

peter called me a raccoon so i guess im a raccoon

 

-

 

**Iron Uncle* @IronPatriot**

imagine if your name was a swear word

motherfucker can you please come down to the office

 

**Nebula @stabyou**

@IronPatriot at first i thought you meant your name was used as a swear word

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@stabyou shut the brittany up go chris yourself

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

@IronSandwich drugs are bad

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

where are all the memes there are so little memes

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

@ned.in.the.chair school has taken all the memes

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

@fthompson PRIVATISED EDUCATION AND COMPULSORY COLLEGE HAS SPIRALLED US INTO MEME RECESSION

-

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

im gonna steal a bus

 

**Uncle Bruce* @greenman**

@swingsbothways No don’t do it that’s bad.

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

i stole a bus! [picture: Peter is in the driver's seat of the bus. You cannot tell who is taking the picture, though it isn’t Peter as one of his hands is on the wheel and the other is doing the peace sign.]

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@swingsbothways how?

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

@archerbird i told the driver to let me sit in his seat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this kvjbfkjdsbnfkjdsf 
> 
> ALSO!!!!!  
> !!!!  
> !!!!  
> I AM WRITING A NEW STORY!!!! ITS WHERE PETER, THE AVENGERS, AND HIS SCHOOL WATCH SPIDERMAN HOMECOMING


	19. all hail lord stronk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter-man hanged the group chat name to Cult of Stronk
> 
>  
> 
> peter-man: stronk
> 
>  
> 
> I'm In: stronk

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

why dont baboons have hair on their butts

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@potatogun pink butt

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@peterparkour thanks

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

Crowley: this is so sad alexa play despacito

Alexa: mama… just killed a man…

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@moonmoon this is it, this is the final form of the meme.

 

-

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

i just witnessed the fucking destruction of a human being [image:  **nope @LilNasX** : i cant belive joe did that //  **Stamps @Stammpers** : Who’s joe // **nope @LilNasX** (Picture: a weird black figure with meme-font that says “JOE MAMMA”)]

 

-

 

**isawtheavengersatshaws @allysaowo**

sir this is a mcdonalds [video: Thor is eating Pop-Tarts. Steve walks over,

 

“Thor! You can’t eat that here! You have to pay for it!” Steve yells. Thor looks up from his seat on the floor, still munching on a Pop-Tart. A crowd forms, not many adults in New York

 

“You’re right, I don’t think there are any toasters here…” Thor mumbles, looking down at his box of Pop-Tarts unhappily.

 

“ _ Thor _ !”]

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

I took the Avengers to Shaws (not my idea blame pepper) and thor ate a box of pop-tarts and bucky got lost [video: “You lost Bucky?” Tony asks incredulously. Steve sighed, exasperated. Tony zoomed in on his face.

 

“This calls for drastic measures.” Steve cupped his hands so it would act as a microphone. “Steve Rogers sucks!” Tony looked at Steve with a confused look.

 

There was a loud thumping, Tony instinctively knew that whoever was running was really dangerous and his fight or flight response was activated. “What the fuck did you just say!?”

 

Steve turned to Tony and smiled, “There he is.” There was a crash as Tony was tackled by Bucky.]

 

-

 

**Karen @spideysAI**

i really love that captain america guy *looks at smudged writing on hand* stove refrigerator 

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@spideysAI this is your first tweet in months and this is what you tweet?

 

-

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

no one:

not a single soul:

spain: DING DONG YOUR RELIGION IS WRONG

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

@Cap.Poptarts steve wtf

 

**Bird Uncle 1* @archerbird**

@Cap.Poptarts @birdman we’re watching a documentary

 

-

 

~~~~Peter and Ned dms~~~~

 

**peter-man** : oh hey look what i drew ealiwr [picture: a pencil drawing of a person, but his legs are two times the normal size and bent in an awkward half-squat and his arms are raised but bent down. his face is poorly drawn, his eyes are dots with an angry brow and mouth is two triangles like a bird beak. his crotch is covered by a three-line leaf. next to the god is a scribbled 'stronk']

 

**I'm In** : eye

i love it

 

**peter-man** : i thought this was so funny

but i was tired

 

**I'm In** : this is my new god

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

 

**peter-man** : stronk [picture: a closeup of stronks face]

 

 ** _I'm In_** **changed the group chat name to** ** _stronk_**

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

 

**_peter-man_ ** **hanged the group chat name to** **_Cult of Stronk_ **

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

 

**peter-man** : stronk

 

**I'm In** : stronk

all hail lord stronk

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

pizza [picture: ned is making pizza. its in the oven and looks absolutely disgusting. the crust is barely visible and there is runny sauce. its more brown and green than red, yellow, and bread-colour.]

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@ned.in.the.chair what the actual hell is on that pizza

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

salami, mushrooms, green peppers, and spinach and cheese

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@ned.in.the.chair i take it back it looks delicious 

 

-

 

**Bird Uncle 2 @birdman**

are we just gonna ignore the fact that stark bought an entire ocean for a high schooler

 

**Uncle America* @Cap.Poptarts**

@birdman I thought that was a fever dream

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@Cap.Poptarts look at my ocean!!! [picture: Peters upper face is visible, though his eyes are covered by sunglasses. Behind him in the distance is Tony, his hands are in the pockets of his suit jacket. The sand of the ocean is barely visible, and most of the picture shows the stone and prussian blue coloured ocean.]


	20. What if Tony dies…?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The arc reactor flicks off and Tony slowly turns slack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah ha ha...

* * *

 

**The Guardian @TheGuardian**

How Tony Stark Afforded the Atlantic Ocean: “I have a lot of political power and money, the United Nations know that the oceans are dying, and that it’s affecting a lot of things. They know that I am going to make the ocean cleaner and healthier. I am currently building a machine that can turn the oceans water into drinkable water, and it will be cost efficient. If it isn’t, I’ll make it cheap.” Tony Stark says.

 

-

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

Tony Stark really said: “Fine, if you won’t do it, I will.” and bought the Atlantic Ocean.

 

-

 

**For you**

**World news [Image: Tony Stark at a press conference.]**

**‘Tony Stark is making a machine that will make the oceans water drinkable.’**

3.5M people are Tweeting about this

 

-

 

Trending

trends

#Smarter

Smarter Technology For All

Promoted by Lenovo

 

  1. Trending



#AtlanticOcean

1.2M Tweets

 

  1. Trending



Tony Stark

1.2M Tweets

 

  1. Trending



#OceanDebate

65.2K Tweets

 

  1. Trending



#TonyStarkReallySaid

32.K Tweets

 

  1. Trending



Spider-Man

11.5K Tweets

 

-

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

tony stark has so much influence and hes using it to buy and save the ocean god we stan

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

we love tony stark saving the world [video: Tony is working on what looks like a Roomba, though it looks slightly bigger - thicker - than a usual one. Tony seems to poke at the right thing and grins. “FRI, pull down the-” He starts, and when a hologram suddenly appears, he thanks her, “Thanks, FRI.” He plays with the hologram for a bit, and suddenly the Roomba spins in a circle, “Africa” by Toto starts playing.

 

Tony turns to the camera and grins a maniacal grin. “That is what I call a pro gamer move.” Peter, who is behind the camera, wheezes, and seems to fall down to his knees as the camera shifts to show a lower point of view.]

 

-

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

i salute our troops [Picture of the Area 51 Raid]

 

-

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

i couldnt sleep so i drew some thumbnails [Picture: A paper drawing of three squares with each having one demonic-looking creatures in them. The first one is tame, an androgynous-looking demon in a dark-shaded turtleneck, their large curly hair holding two thick horns.

The second one is an eldritch abomination, or at least demonic, a feminine humanoid creature with many eyes, almost spider-like with three eyes going from their forehead to their lower cheek. Their mouth is creepy, like a leeches in a way that their teeth look like hooks and they appear to lack lips.

The last one is a deer with a dark, cartoon smile. Their horns are up for interpretation as they look like scribbles.]

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch ooh horny boys

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch QIAT

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch WIAT

 

**peter-man @peterparkour**

@QueenBitch Bxkdhdk I MEANT THEY HAD HORNS AND LOOKED DEMONIC

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@peterparkour you are the embodiment of a disaster bisexual

 

-

 

~~~~ dms ~~~~

 

 **bider-king*:** AYYYYYT GUESS WHOS GOING ON A MISSION WITH THE AVENGERS!!!! 

 

 **I'm In:** OMG XHEKBDCHJE BRO SERIOUSLY????

 

 **bider-king*:** Y E P DJEBXKEBDJEHDIEB WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING CONFIDENTIAL SO I CANT TELL YOU BUT ITS EXCITING 

 

 

-

 

Peter walks through a floor of a five story brick building, he last saw this wizard-y dude go in here, the bad guy stole something from a man dressed in something that looked like a cosplay suit from some magical anime, the bad guy then stabbed him with something that looked like a glass spear the length of his forearm and ran away. The building was silent when there was a piercing sound.

 

Screaming. Peter does not know any word - or at least can’t think of one - that could describe the sound of the screaming. First it sounded like a mans and then it sounds like a combination of metal against asphalt, the screaming of a horse in Skyrim, and the sound of metal a metal knife on a rock. The sound hurts his head, his ears screaming back in pain.

 

“Peter!” Is that Tony? The sound weakens to a whisper, wavering in volume but still quiet. Peter runs to the direction of the shout. He runs through a rusty door, it breaking into countless pieces. He looks around and the room is empty. Anxiety chokes him. 

 

“Peter!” It was slightly raspy now. A cough. Peters heartbeat rises as he runs, panic squeezing his heart and chest. What's happening? Why is Tony screaming? Oh god, is he dying. He runs faster, nearly tripping over his feet in his panic. He needs to make sure the mechanic is alright, he doesn't know what he'd do if he wasn't.  

 

He runs into a wall but uses his arm to bounce off it, he looks around again for a moment. “Mr. Stark!” He shouts, if Tony shouts back he might be able to know where to go. What if he is on the wrong floor? What if he is on the other side of the large building? He doesn't know the layout of the building, doesn't know where to go. What if he isn’t fast enough? 

 

What if Tony dies…?

 

There is another shout, this time it sounds like a pained shout. He runs towards the noise, heart pounding in his chest. He feels like he is going to vomit from all his anxiety, but he pushes through. He sprints through the halls, not knowing where exactly to go when Tony shouts back, his voice echoing around the halls, bouncing back from the walls. He can’t tell the direction of the shouts anymore. There is a dull orange flash out of the corner of his eye. He turns and there is a door. He runs and rams it down.

 

A man runs away. 

 

The room looks rusted and old, the wallpaper is peeling and the floor either wasn't finished or it was destroyed, as the wood flooring is scattered but wasn't fitted to the floor. The dust is visible as it floats through the air, the evening sun making the room aesthetically pleasing, his mentors body on the floor ruining the aesthetic.

 

Tony is on the floor, suit rusted and broken. The arc reactor is fragmented, the glass lying next to him with other materials lying around the dark room. Tony’s skin is slowly turning grey, his face splattered in blood and the arc reactor is flickering on and off. His face looks like it’s crumbling on the right side and his right arm is flickering with strange lightning streaks and looks like it's slowly burning like paper.

 

Panic. That’s all Peter feels as he rushes to the man. “Mr. Stark! 

 

“Oh god…” He kneels beside him, fear choking him as his eyes take in all the damage his mentor had taken.

 

"Hey, Peter." Tony turns to him, a small pained smile on his face. Even in the face of death, Tony has to reassure his mentor.

 

"You're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay." His hands hover over Tony's body, but he doesn't know what to do. His suit looks like it's been mauled by a bear and his arm looks like burnt toast and hia face looks like a half burnt bagel.

 

Tony's eyes turn pleading, “Please...” A sliver of blood drips down his cheek from his mouth. Tony chokes as he breathes, and he coughs. It sounds and looks painful, a tear falls from his eyes. Tony looks like something as simple as breathing is painful, the inhales and exhales raspy.

 

What does please mean? “What? Uh- shit, what do I need to do?!” Peter asks, willing to do anything at the moment. His mentor is dying on the floor all because he was too slow… He cannot die, he won’t. What if he does…?

 

Tony wheezes, looking at the ceiling and closing his eyes as he struggles for air. He coughs and turns his head to face Peter once more, “Pepper. Call her. Please“ A tear slips out of the corner of his eye, falling sideways down his temple to his blackened ear. His wife needs to know that he's dying- No, he's not dying... Just. Seriously injured.

 

Peter nods, "Keep breathing." Peter breathes shakily, Tony tries to copy, the sound shaky and shallow. "You won't die." Tony's face twists, expression showing doubt, "You won't." Tony smiles.

 

His breathing sounds like a rattle. The death rattle. His eyes slowly glaze.

 

"Mr. Stark?"

 

The arc reactor flicks off and Tony slowly turns slack

 

Peter stops breathing for a minute. It feels like time stops as he watches his mentor die and not be able to do anything. “Mr. Stark- Please.” Peter sobs, “No, no, no, no…” Tony looks at him, his suit a dark red, grey peaking through the torn paint where his suit has lacerations across it. "Don't go!" He begs, pleads, cries for him.

 

A heavy scent of blood and dust has been attacking Peter’s nose ever since he entered the room. He gets up and paces around in an angry, depressed rage. He runs to a wall and kicks it, a hole bursting open. His legs feel like jelly and he drops, but gets up and continues pacing. He turns to Tony for help, but his bloody, lifeless, grey body reminds him why he feels the way hs does.

 

“No!” He keels over, almost landing on his face as his knees bend, but he maneuvers himself to land on his back. He sobs, hands covering his masked face. He grips it, grabbing at a few strands of hair as he pulls and chucks it across the room. Peter feels exposed, his salty face getting hit with a burst of cold as the musty air touches his face, he hiccups.

 

Peter feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. His legs feel like they might collapse under him despite him not standing. His head feels like it’s being squeezed from all the sobbing, painful as is the grief crushing him; his eyesight is also blurry from all the tears building up. 

 

"Mr. Stark..." He begs. "Please, don't go..." He hugs himself, bending over to lay his head on his knees as he cries. "I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to get to you as fast as I could... Please..."

 

Call Pepper. 

 

For Tony. He sniffs and shakily takes out his phone, hands shaking as he scrolls through his contacts and calls Pepper.  “Hey, Peter. I thought you were on a mission?” Pepper wonders, he could hear a slight shuffle of papers and the clack of keys in the background. He hears a machine whirring and beeping.

 

Peter whines, he doubles over as he realises he’s gonna have to tell his mentors wife he killed her husband. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” He rubs his snot-covered nose, gross flakes falling from his nostrils as his gloved hand rubs. He sniffs, his body shaking.

 

Pepper worries. “What’s going on? Peter?” Pepper sounds worried. God, he really is going to have to tell her... Peter sobs,

 

“I couldn’t save him. I’m sorry.” His voice breaks and his inhale stutters. The phone is silent for a moment and Peter wonders if Pepper heard him. Suspense builds as he waits.

 

“...Tony?” Pepper asks quietly, her voice shakes. He feels guilt wash over him like a storm out at sea. He clenches the fist resting on the Iron Man armor. He killed her husband, he killed the famous, great Tony Stark. A world renowned superhero that has saved the world multiple times and the entire universe once. He sniffs.

 

“Yeah…” It’s high pitched and suddenly Peter can’t stop sobbing. It’s like a dam broke and suddenly he’s nearly empty of every emotion besides pure grief. He shakes and just can’t breathe. But breathing is important and he needs to do it. But he can’t. It wouldn’t be that bad if he just stopped breathing… But May needs him, and so do his friends, they’d be sad if he died, right? Queens also needs him, like those cats that get stuck in trees and that one guy he saved from getting robbed, and that girl he saved from getting...

 

“Peter, breathe, do it with me.” Pepper sounds like she’s barely holding it together, and yet she’s still helping him.

 

Pepper inhales shakily, so he copies. They hold their breath for four seconds then exhale (or sob) for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Inhale (Successfully or not) for four seconds. Hold their breathe. Exhale (sob) for four seconds. Repeat.

 

“What happened?” Pepper asks. “I just- … I need to know.”

 

“I don’t know. I heard screaming and the sound of metal so I ran to it, then I heard Tony and then I walked and saw him and…” He sobs. “The arc reactor is off and Tony is grey and bloody and not breathing and his eyes are just so dead!” He sobs again, it seems to be the only thing he can do successfully.

 

Pepper sniffs. “Okay…” Her voice breaks. “How… How’re the others?” Oh shit, the others. They don't know...

 

“I don’t know…” His voice is quiet. “I’m gonna check…” 

 

“Okay.”

 

The call ends.

 

Peter sits in the empty room, his mentors lifeless corpse lying next to him.

 

~~~~ avengers dms ~~~~

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

help

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

please

 

**bider-king* @swingsbothways**

i dont know whats going on

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so evil im sorry
> 
> PRESS F TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS


	21. i think tony stark is dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daily Globe @DailyGlobe
> 
>  
> 
> TONY STARK IS DEAD?! World now in mourning as Princess Shuri hacked Spider-Man’s suit and saw a dead Tony Stark
> 
>  
> 
> Daily Bugle @DailyBugle
> 
> SPIDER-MAN MURDERS TONY STARK!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry jidsbfkjsdcy

**Star Lord @PQuill**

Goth Clowns are just Mimes.

 

**raccoon man @notarobot**

@PQuill i once had a gf who worked with clowns say that mimes came first so technically clowns are just Scene Mimes

 

**potato-man @potatogun**

@notarobot your gf who worked with clowns

 

-

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

according to the song Seasons of Love from RENT, there are 525,600 minutes in a year. one line later, there are “525,00 moments so dear.” so, doing the math, we can glean that there are 600 moments which aren’t so dear.

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@ned.in.the.chair and i think i just used one of them by walking in on someone who forgot to lock the bathroom stall

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@ned.in.the.chair this tweet did not even remotely go in the direction i was expecting it to.

 

-

 

**fastest man alive @fthompson**

ok so im on meds and my mom was in the car while i was driving, which was a bad idea cuz im on meds. so my mom said “to the left” and i said “take it back now yall” and hit a pothole.

 

**matte @elizabitch**

@fthompson literally crying

 

-

 

**false! @dingabe**

a kingdom of isolation and it looks like im mcqueen

 

**rise and shine @bbrant**

@dingabe did you really change your pfp to lightning mcqueen for this

 

**false! @dingabe**

@bbrant of course

 

-

 

**Ms. Keisha* @freshurivocado**

not to be homophobic or anything but i just hacked into peters suit and i think tony stark is dead

 

**I’m In @ned.in.the.chair**

@freshurivocado what the fuck what the fuck

 

**MJ @QueenBitch**

@freshurivocado absolutely not thats peters dad figure he is not going to lose a third one

 

**Cindy @moonmoon**

@QueenBitch @freshurivocado … did he really just lose his third father figure…?

 

**Bon Jovi @charles**

@QueenBitch @freshurivocado jesus christ

 

-

 

**Daily Globe @DailyGlobe**

 

TONY STARK IS DEAD?! World now in mourning as Princess Shuri hacked Spider-Man’s suit and saw a dead Tony Stark

 

**Daily Bugle @DailyBugle**

SPIDER-MAN MURDERS TONY STARK!

  
  


~~~~~

 

Pepper hears the call end, she lets go and starts sobbing, tears falling down her face in a cascade of grief. “F-” Sniffle. “FRIDAY… How...  I-” She cannot speak, her lips wobble too much and her throat doesn’t want to cooperate with her brain. 

 

“I cannot connect to Boss, I lost the link at 10:55 P.M.. I am sorry, I do not know whether he is alive or dead.” FRIDAY informs her. Her chest feels like it’s been ripped in half. She feels emotional agony wash over her so hard she can physically feel it. She keels over in her office seat, her arms curl on her desk and she lays her head on her arms. Her assistant hesitantly knocks on the door and as much as she wants to yell ‘go away’ like an angsty teen but she feels like she can’t speak. 

 

Her assistant opens the door a crack and she hears everyone outside the room working stop. “Ms. Potts? Are you alright.”

 

“I’m fine.” She lies, hiccuping, bringing her head up. Her face feels crusty with tears and she knows her eyes are red, her makeup is definitely ruined but she didn’t think to wear waterproof makeup today. She uses her fingers to move her messed up hair out of her face. She sniffs. “Um, can you bring me some ice cream? I’m taking the week off.” She gets up and leaves. “I’ll be back in thirty minutes, thank you.”

 

-

 

The Quinjet soars, scanning the area for the Villain of the Week, he stole an artifact from the New York Sanctum. “Cap, you have any idea where this guy went?” Natasha questions, her own eyes scanning the area as well. 

 

“No, seems he just disappeared. Clint?” Steve responds, voice sounding frustrated. 

 

Clint answers, “Saw him once, he was holding the device, then the bots around him starting glowing and everything turned black. I saw you guys…” Clint trails off, “ Anyway, so we don’t know where fishbowl guy is?” Natasha hummed. She and Clint are both on the Quinjet. They both got on it after Natasha found him sobbing in an alleyway.

 

“Peter needs help. I believe he came in contact with the man.” Karen, Peters AI, tells the team. Clint flinces. “I lost his location at 10: 23.”

 

“Anyone know where Peter is?” Steve asks his team. 

 

“I saw him go in a building.” Sam offers.

 

“I also do not know where Boss is.” FRIDAY adds in.

 

“What.”

 

~

 

Peter leans over Tony’s dead body, sobbing inconsolably. The lifeless body under him is cold, the slashed armour poking him painfully. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” His voice breaks, a harsh sob racking his body. His throat closes and he coughs into his elbow.

 

He tightens his hands clutching his dead father figures armour, though not enough to dent it, the thought terrifies himself and a choked sob escapes once more. He tries to stop it to get another breath but another sob escapes him, so harsh he worries he might vomit. 

 

He shakily breathes in, relieved to get air in, though that relief is utterly destroyed once he remembers Tony won't get a breath of air ever again. 

 

"I'm sorry!" He sobs, the words loud and desperate as though if he says it loud enough Tony might hear it from the dead. His mentor is never gonna come back and it’s all his fault. If he had been faster he could have saved him, but he didn’t.

 

He hears a hiss, it sounds like the sound of the suit flying. Is Rhodey- no, he can't call him that anymore, he killed Rhodes' best friend. It's probably Rhodes here to collect Tony's body, or kill him for killing Tony, or both.

 

The suit lands. He hitches his breath so he isn't sobbing anymore. "I'm sorry…" He whispers the apology. Footsteps approach him tentatively.

 

~

 

Tony hesitantly walks towards Peter, who is crying softly as opposed to the sobbing. He is crying over a mostly invisible form, the body only visible where the teen is touching it, it looks red and gold, though it's mostly faded from the incredibly low opacity of the form. "Kid?" He calls out, voice worried. 

 

Tony sees Peter freeze, though he is still slightly shaking. Peter gasps lightly, and he can see Peters brows rise, so his eyes must be wide as well. A small sob escapes Peters throat, he shaking turns his head, flinching slightly. Peters face is covered in tears, the skin is flushed a heavy bright pink from the crying, his lips are shaking visibly, as is his body. His eyes are wide with disbelief, and he quickly glances at the body he is most likely on top of still. His eyes wander as if looking for an explanation for whatever he must be seeing.

 

"Mr. Stark…?"

 

~

 

He's alive? How? Peter stares at the live, nearly perfectly intact armour-wearing superhero famously known as Tony Stark and Iron Man. How is he alive when his long-dead, broken armoured body is underneath him? Peter has been sobbing on his dead body for what seems like forever.

 

"How are you alive?" Tony stares at him in shock, as if the question surprised him. Can he not see his dead body right in front of him? "Oh god, are you a ghost?!" A tear falls from his face and he shakes, hunching down to seem smaller.

 

"No, no, I'm not a ghost-" Tony tries to reassure.

 

"Don't some ghosts think they're not ghosts?!"

 

"Can ghosts touch people?" Tony tries to look for a way to reassure him again.

 

"Some ghosts attack people by touching them!" Peter disproves. He frowns a big frown at his mentors ghost. Tony once said during an experiment for science class that if mixing the chemicals they were working on would kill him, he would haunt him forever.

 

Didn't know he meant that literally. Tony tilts his head, "Since when do you believe in ghosts?" He looks like he's got him

 

"Now I do!" He sobs, how else can Tony be here when his dead body was right there next to him? Tony comes closer and leans down. 

 

"I'm not dead." He says it so surely, his face contorted in seriousness. Just a few (like five) hours ago they were relaxed and fun-filled as he and Peter were playing a video game, Spore. They made a weird-cute-and-creepy thing. It was named 'Sniklebob' because it sounded funny and the creature looked funny as well.

 

The memory filled him with utter despair, he then reached out a hand and poked Tony's cheek, whose expression was open and allowing for Peter to poke him. The skin under his finger was squishy like a real person's face normally is. Peter doesn't know what a ghosts face would feel like but he doesn't think it would feel like the warm cheek his finger was poking.

 

He rested his whole hand on Tony's cheek, cradling it. He sobbed again, he's been doing that a lot lately. He slowly drops his hand away from Tony's face, then opened his arms. Tony surrounded his body with his arms. Peter fell into his chest, sobbing in relief as he hugged him.

 

"How's Pete?" He heard Sam's voice on the comms. Peter froze. 

 

“He’s… Alive.” Tony responded, he sniffed, his thumb rubbing Peter’s cheek, the rest of his hand cradling his head. The boy in his arms was sobbing quietly, body shaking and wracking whenever a harsh sob escapes. “Not doin’ to well, but still alive.”

 

“Alright, we’ll be there soon. Five minutes at most.” There was a click when Sam finished talking. 

 

“You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay, Peter.” Tony reassured, rubbing the boy’s back. Peter tightened his arm around Tony’s abdomen, pressing himself tighter against his mentor.

 

-

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

uh im not dead????

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

wait

 

**Iron Dad* @IronSandwich**

i lived bitch [photo: Tony is in the Quinjet, he is smiling smugly at the camera. You can see a tuft of Peter’s hair on his chest.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> youre welcome


End file.
